Tender Mercies

Filling Holes in Vain

2009-12-27T23:17:00.000-08:00

How vainly we try to fill the holes that have been blown wide in our hearts! You, truly, are the only antidote to emptiness. Yet I find myself chasing bubbles. Comfort from these false gods is stretched thin; it betrays in the end, empty as vapor.

May He who filled the universe with swirling galaxies be the one to fill my heart.

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-26T00:36:00.000-08:00

I attended a parish out of town for Christmas Mass this morning; it was a big church, old and beautiful, with many seats, yet it was very crowded. I entered the church alone, but once I was within I was surrounded by fellow pilgrims, all come to worship Christ. When the first strains of "O Come, All Ye Faithful" began, I found that I was overcome, so much so that I couldn't join in singing the opening hymn. Tears sprang to my eyes for the glory, the majesty, the sheer awesomeness of it all. Though the magi made their journey to see Him more than two millenia ago, people still gather to marvel at His birth. And who am I that I should be among them? I know not why God has wooed me to Himself. I can only be thankful that His gentle presence was with me from earliest childhood, though I didn't know His name... and that He led me into the waters of baptism as a teen... and that I am here now - amazingly! - as part of His Church. I pray that through His continued grace, I will always seek Him like the magi, and that He will be welcome to make His home in my heart like the humble manger where He lay so many years ago.

Just a Note about the Post Below...

2009-12-26T00:32:00.000-08:00

Just after I posted about being adrift, I spent time reading "The Sacrament of the Present Moment" (also known as "Abandonment to Divine Providence") and found a similar analogy used in a positive way. We are encouraged to be at peace while God directs our raft; being in a time of waiting is good. I like that. :)

Lean Not Unto Your Own Understanding

2009-12-12T01:42:00.000-08:00

It is good that God does not expect us to understand each nuance of our journey with Him; if he did, I'd be lost. I am in a spiritual "holding dock" right now, moving neither forward nor backward, just waiting to see what God will do next. Perhaps it is like the safe, secure darkness of a womb, with birth pending but unseen. I like that analogy; it's very positive.

It may be my overly busy schedule that is keeping me from "feeling" God as I normally do. Or perhaps it is the calm after a great, stressful storm, and I am allowed to float free on my raft without wind, at least for a time. I am not in the doldrums exactly (pictured at left), but I'm not moving forward either.

But this will pass. Perhaps I just need a spot of rest. For now I will fall back on His wings and let Him fly. I'll relax like a feather in the wind.

Seeing a Gift

2009-10-08T06:28:00.000-07:00

Lord, how can I thank you for what you have done?

As I slowly moved into consciousness this morning, God made me aware that a significant prayer request, one that has been on my heart for well over a year, has been answered. It's funny that I didn't see it - at least not completely - till now, though God made it real some days ago.

Sometimes He does big things quietly, in a very humble way, such as when the King of Heaven stepped into our time and space in a stable. We must have faith that He is working in our lives, even when things do not seem to change. Who knows what small, imperceptible things are moving below the surface to be revealed at a later time? My prayer has been answered. Quietly. Beautifully. Perfectly. And for this, gratitude rises in my chest like a sweet, warm tide.

Thank you, Lord, for what you have done.

Doing His Will

2009-08-30T15:46:00.000-07:00

I attended a women's retreat many years ago and the speaker said something that has always stuck with me. She advised that if things aren't going well for us spiritually - perhaps we're just not connecting with God - we should look back on the last thing God asked us to do to determine if we've done it. While walking through a spiritually dry or difficult place is not always the result of disobedience, oftentimes it is, and it's good to discern whether that's the root cause of the struggle at hand.

For some time God has been nudging me toward a change that I've been resisting; till now, that is. I was concerned about letting others down and I was clinging to a stubborn hope that things would get better. My lack of action caused me to feel inreasingly distant from my Source. It took a toll on my day-to-day walk with Him - even affecting my faith in some areas - and that was tough! I didn't connect the two, though, until the speaker's advice rose to the forefront of my consciousness. I realized that the spiritual weight I'd been carrying was a direct result of my resistance to His direction. That resistance was rooted in a lack of trust; otherwise, I would have immediately said yes to His request.

I am now breathing a figurative sigh of relief. It's always better to do His will. I feel I've gone from darkness into light, and the air I'm breathing is far fresher on this side!

Unity in Christ

2009-07-29T08:05:00.000-07:00

I wish that we could see that Christ is what matters, not the issues that divide and prevent true unity in Him.

"How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity!" Psalm 133:1-3

There is a ministry to which I wish to give my time, talent and treasure, but I've been told that in order to do this, I must sign a statement of faith that is, in part, counter to the doctrines of my Church. We honor the same Creator, believe in the same Christ, are filled with the same Holy Spirit, yet words on a page prevent our working together to love in His name.

I am trying to get my head around all of this.

I know that the Lord is in charge and that brings me peace. If we are not allowed to work together in unity, I can love others in His name all the same. The problem is that there is a big need, and Christians working together can accomplish so much more than when working alone... or, at times, against one another.

I know there are differences in the way our faith is expressed, nuances in our beliefs, and even large differences in our doctrine, but I'm not joining a church; rather, I merely wish to stand alongside other Christians to serve in God's name.

My situation is miniscule in comparison, but I can't help but think of St. Thomas More in The Man for All Seasons. He didn't wish to defy King Henry VIII, but his hand was forced. In the end, his head rolled because he couldn't sign his name to a document that stood against his Church.

I'm happy that I've been able to give much to this ministry already. By God's grace, a significant amount of treasure has flowed into its coffers through the efforts of many within my parish; for that I am grateful. If I am not allowed to serve within its walls, I will continue to refer others to its services from the outside. Even so, I wish that working together for good were more important than our differences.

"May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me." John 17:23

"May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus." Romans 15:5

"Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spririt through the bond of peace." Ephesians 4:3

On Growing Weary

2009-06-10T08:41:00.000-07:00

May I never forget the real purpose of life.

In the words of Jesus, these are the greatest commandments, "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." (St. Matthew 22:37-40)

But sometimes we grow weary. St. Paul must've known that the rocks of disappointment, grief and disillusionment weigh us down as we collect them through life. That's why he asks us to remain steadfast in our role as people of good works. "Let us not become weary in doing good," he tells us in Galatians 6:9, "for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." God is with us. Always.

In that spirit, I offer the following poem I found in a tiny corner of cyperspace. I wish I knew the author. It reminds me of a friend's email sign-off: MTPOCDU. I asked him one day what it meant. His answer: May the peace of Christ disturb us.

May God bless you with discomfort
At easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships
So that you may live deep within your heart.
May God bless you with anger
At injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people,
So that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.
May God bless you with tears
To shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger and war,
So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and
To turn their pain into joy.
And may God bless you with enough foolishness
To believe that you can make a difference in the world,
So that you can do what others claim cannot be done
To bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor.
Amen

Come, Holy Spirit

2009-05-27T17:13:00.000-07:00

Tonight is the youth confirmation Mass at my parish; I will leave in a short while. I prepared little gifts for them (a Rosary and some poems) and in anticipation of that I looked for Holy Spirit images on the Internet. What came up astounded me: a plethora of diverse images, mostly doves, that represent the immense power we are given in the Holy Spirit. Just think of it: He dwells within us! What He gives is beyond understanding. May the eleven youth being confirmed tonight be filled with power from on high and may it remain with them always.

Come Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of your faithful; kindle in us the fire of your love.

Lord, Have Mercy

2009-05-23T07:42:00.000-07:00

Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Well, I failed a test last night. I didn't live up to what I posted below, graciousness in times of trial and difficulty.

There is something about withstanding trials with dignity that just feels good. God gives peaceful endurance when times are tough, and He doesn't ask us to do ANYTHING for which He doesn't provide strength... if we are willing to receive it and not battle against it.

Like the "Little Engine that Could" (a favorite childhood book), I must believe that there is a top to the mountain with a strength-bolstering downhill side. It will come, and probably sooner than I think.

Lord, I love you. Thank you for every bit of strength you have given; thank you for every bit you will give. Help me to put myself aside and shoulder the burden. I know you are with me. Amen.

This Morning's Office

2009-05-18T11:25:00.000-07:00

Here is something I read today in the Divine Office during morning prayer:

"Whoever hates his life in this world keeps it safe for life everlasting."

This was an antiphon from the "Common of One Martyr" and it struck me. (It was read today because we honor John I, Pope and Martyr from the 6th century.)

What does it mean to hate one's life?

What rings true for me now is accepting with humility, grace and dignity unpleasant situations that may come my way. If there is hatred... or judgment... or misunderstanding... or misrepresentation... I must simply bear it. I cannot hold with a tight fist what I wish for others to think of me. I can get lost in the battle to defend my life now... or I can choose to turn my life over to Christ with hope for life everlasting.

Later I read this in the Canticle of Zechariah:

You, my child, shall be called the Prophet of the Most High, for you will go before the Lord to prepare his way, to give his people the knowledge of salvation and the forgiveness of their sins.

I marvelled at the great privilege St. John the Baptist was given... and then realized the privilege came with a great cross to bear as well. He was ostracized and eventually beheaded. Sometimes privileges and hardships go hand in hand. If I follow Christ, am I willing to accept unpleasantries with dignity and humility? Lord, may it be so!

Of Blossoms and Rustling Leaves

2009-05-18T10:39:00.000-07:00

Our cherry tree was in bloom several weeks ago; soft, pink blossoms hovered about its branches like a cloud. Despite the pleasure of the sight, I felt a bit sad as I admired them. It seems the blossoms are here so briefly, as though they float away on the breeze as quickly as they arrive. While I thought of this, a quiet voice within asked me to appreciate goodness while it's here and not to mourn its passing. I was reminded that each good-bye brings something new. God's world is full of wonder when we are willing to receive.

* * * * * * *

I sat on the small stone bench outside the church as I waited for noontime Mass. Lost in thought about a particular care, God pointed out to me that my focus was a distraction from the whisper of His voice. Looking up, I saw the leaves on the trees blown by the breeze with their gentle rustling sound. One must be quiet and still to listen and see.

"Be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

Around Another Corner

2009-05-06T10:04:00.000-07:00

Someone I know once said, "Never lose hope, for you don't know what's waiting for you just around the corner." Despite struggles that might tempt others toward depression, she chose to see each day as a new opportunity.

I love seeing things like that, too, though I sometimes forget; that is, until I turn another corner to find a surprise waiting for me. I had a light-hearted surprise a couple weekends ago - I was asked to be part of a contest at a local cooking school. I was a little nervous, but ended up having a blast cooking my entry, chicken mole' using Oregon Chai Tea, which was the sponsor of the contest. (That's me stirring the sauce. ;)

There was a bonus surprise, too: I was asked to consider teaching a class or two there. That was something I didn't expect... and I greatly look forward to it. You see? You never know what's just around the corner. Our Lord loves to surprise us with His goodness that comes in unexpected ways. May your day be full of His love.

Oh, the Divine Mercy of God!

2009-04-20T21:29:00.000-07:00

Lord, thank you that your Divine Mercy is with me in all my struggles. Thank you for your words to St. Faustina and, through her, to us. I am grateful for your longing to pour grace on your children.

If it hadn't been for this small imperfection, you wouldn't have come to Me. Know that as often as you come to Me, humbling yourself and asking for My forgiveness, I pour out a superabundance of graces on your soul, and your imperfection vanishs before My eyes, and I see only your love and your humility. you lose nothing but gain much...

A New Layer to the Journey

2009-04-20T17:24:00.001-07:00

Well, it's real. After six months of being part of the aspirancy program, I've submitted my application to be considered for formation as a Secular Carmelite. While it's not definite that I'll be accepted, and while there will be two (or three?) years of further formation prior to making a temporary promise, it's another single step along a lifetime journey. I have wondered on occasion if I am an appropriate Carmelite, being the action-oriented extrovert I am (they are a contemplative order), but one thing is certain: I've received many graces through being in the program.

Yesterday two opportunities for grace converged: our monthly day at the monastery and Divine Mercy Sunday. The latter has a special place in my heart: our dear Papa, Pope John Paul II, died on its vigil (which is quite appropriate, considering it was he who canonized St. Faustina, from whom the devotion to the Divine Mercy comes). He was devoted to her message and designated the Sunday following Easter in this way.

I made a confession at the monastery (something that is encouraged on Divine Mercy Sunday) and, miraculously, that allowed me to become detached from a sin that has plagued me. Surely His mercy has been poured out upon me. Repentance is the true makeover.

Today has been one of Holy Spirit tutelage. My spirit unchained, I am able to see things in a new way. Miraculously, my will cooperates and feelings follow. Restless, I look forward to wearing these changes as garments.

I have learned, painfully, that I haven't respected myself as a human creature and child of God. Pursuit of holiness, especially in light of my Carmelite journey, must be taken more seriously than my own needs... or the need to please.

The "Holy Spirit Shop" is the best place to buy new clothes. I have found something that fits well; gratitude is deep.

Thank you, Lord, for your Divine Mercy!

Memories of a Writers' Conference

2009-04-18T20:31:00.001-07:00

I had the wonderful privilege of attending a Christian writers' conference over Palm Sunday weekend. That's us (my friend, Louise, and me) with the rest of the folks from one of our afternoon workshops. (I'm fourth from the right in the back row and Louise is fourth from the left in the middle row.) Louise and her husband, Mike, generously sponsored me. It was the 40th such writers' conference at the Mt. Hermon Christian Conference Center near Santa Cruz and folks from all over the world (Africa, Europe, Australia) were in attendance, including some missionaries in from the field. I rubbed shoulders with giants in the world of Christian writing; some had published dozens of books. My favorite class was a two-part workshop on poetry, which was taught by Ethel Herr, a soft spoken and gentle published poet. She selected a wide variety of poems by various authors to read to us. My eyes were opened to the quality and diversity of modern Christian poetry; that in and of itself was a gift, as was listening to the cadence of her reading. I was inspired, encouraged and enthralled throughout the weekend. I learned about editing, developing a mission statement, finding one's personal voice, how to handle controversial issues with grace, communicating to change lives and so much more! I intend to go again next year, Lord willing. To top it all off, this morning I got an idea for a book!

Joy on the Journey

2009-04-18T18:25:00.000-07:00

Dear God,

Thank you, just thank you, for your masterpiece, this answer to prayer. I cannot describe my joy. Truly you love your children well.

With love from your daughter who basks in your grace,

Esther

Love and Shame

2009-04-18T15:56:00.000-07:00

I ran into a couple of folks I knew from a prior workplace in the pharmacy yesterday. The woman was friendly, but the man could hardly look me in the eye. And I knew why: it was because their relationship caused the break-up of both of their marriages. Three small children no longer have their daddy in the home. Much scandal was brought upon their workplace and families because of their desire to be together. I can see the strain on their faces. There is much loss.

To their surprise, I welcomed them. As recognition dawned in the man that expected judgment was not forthcoming, he relaxed and spoke a bit. I was friendly for one reason: they are beloved children of God. I am shocked by what happened and deeply grieved by the pain caused, but I know that God loves them beyond, more than and despite the choices they've made. Why should I do any less? I myself have been forgiven much.

Before my husband and I were married, he took a job 8 hours away from me. It was difficult to be apart, so we did what seemed natural at the time: I pulled up stakes, got a job there and moved in with him. We were going to be married within the year, so it didn't seem like a big deal to us.* During this time, I was shunned by some members of his family; however, I will never forget the love and acceptance poured upon both of us by his Mormon aunt and uncle. I knew enough about their beliefs to understand that they did not condone our situation; yet they welcomed us into their fold. To this day, I am deeply grateful; in fact, if I didn't disagree with the tenets of their faith, I would have become Mormon all those years ago.

Yesterday as I looked into the faces of those two in the pharmacy line, I could see their struggle with shame. How I long for them to understand the depth of God's love and His sweet, gentle touch! I pray their shame will not keep them from such a loving Father. He scans the horizon for their return.

*Now my understanding is different; I think marriages function much better if they don't start out like that. God's pure way is logical, beautiful and always best.

He Is Always There

2009-04-15T21:31:00.000-07:00

Jesus is present in so many ways... in so many places...

...at a writers' conference, fully Evangelical, with its bold, outward proclamation... with its spare, earnest worship.

...at the Carmelite monastery, shrouded in mystery, on a cloud of peace... where your secret call to the soul beckons... with the monks' prayers lifted to you like incense in their censor...

...in a Catholic church, large or small, simple or grand... with its stained glass, flickering candles, and... especially... the holy hush of Your Presence...

...in the springtime buds that make the world quiver with life expressed in perfect green...

...in the flowers thrown madly throughout roadside fields, which shout of You in their purple and orange chorus... juvenile alter egos to Your stately sunset...

...in the sweet eyes of a friend, kind with promise... eager and ready to accept, listen and connect...

Truly, Christ, you are everywhere!

Love Keeps Me Sane

2009-04-15T20:49:00.001-07:00

On this path of puzzles, I'll trust the hand of God...

Tonight I opened a can of tomato paste with love and did my best to chop an onion with it, too. This might sound crazy if not for the example of Brother Lawrence, whose words about his journey of love are written in "The Practice of the Presence of God." He was a 17th century lay Carmelite brother who worked at simple tasks in the monastery kitchen. He said, "We can do little things for God; I turn the cake that is frying on the pan for love of him, and that done, if there is nothing else to call me, I prostrate myself in worship before him, who has given me grace to work; afterwards I rise happier than a king. It is enough for me to pick up but a straw from the ground for the love of God."

If I am determined to love despite what may be difficult to bear, Christ (our True Love) is given permission to live through me. To what I wrote in my journal today: "I am taut, like a guitar string, ready to be plucked or to snap," Love says, "I will make you sing." Love seeks to relieve me from worry because it gently shifts my focus from me. So - even if for selfish reasons - I will try to live in love (and always in Love). It is what will keep me sane. A tall order, yes, but for now, for me, the only one that will do.

Could I Be?

2009-04-15T18:19:00.000-07:00

A butterfly on wings of hope to comfort in despair...
A white rose, dewy fresh, to show that Heaven cares...
The scent of Christ to all who doubt and need to know He's there...
The foamy sea that rushes in as an answer to a prayer.

Surely God uses each of us at times in different ways
To teach and guide, laugh and cry, messengers that day
A smile, word, or kindly deed means more than you may know
to those we find along the way to whom Christ's face we show

Sometimes we're the giver, and sometimes we receive
The more we give along the way, the greater our belief
that Christ will meet our own felt needs at the perfect time
With another pilgrim on the way willing to be kind

This Is My Father's World

2009-04-12T23:39:00.001-07:00

This evening as my son and I drove home from Easter supper at my in-laws, I was - as is usual for me - absolutely taken by the beauty of nature around me. We drove through vineyards and meadows, under canopies of green trees and over mountains with forests that opened at times to wide views, all at that magical time of day when the sun is low in the sky and the light is soft and kind to the earth. Soon after our trek began, the sun fell below the ridgeline and the clouds morphed into the brilliant purply orange of sunset. Distant trees became spiky silouhettes against a fading sky.

As I fawned over the setting sun, my son said to me, "Mom, I wish I could experience the sunset like you." Though he appreciates nature, he isn't moved by such changes in the evening sky. I began to wonder whether the way my cells resonate at the perfect green of a springtime forest is a bit unusual. Or the way I want to jump out of my skin with joy at the sight of the moon when it's orange (orange!) and so big it looks like I could touch it. Or the way my heart wants to burst when the late afternoon sun shines on the distant creek as it winds its way through fields below us. I'm not sure, but I'm thankful for others who share this joy.

One of my favorite hymns was originally written for children as a way to teach them about the glory of God in creation. It's called This Is My Father's World. Click here to read the stanzas and take a listen.

Heavenly Holy Thursday

2009-04-09T21:09:00.000-07:00

We fall down and lay our crowns at the feet of Jesus...

I just returned from Holy Thursday Mass where I experienced Christ's presence in an amazing, awe-inspiring way. This "Mass of the Lord's Supper" during Holy Week celebrates the institution of the Eucharist, and during the liturgy this evening I felt transported to heaven (or that the saints in heaven were present among us), as though we became part of the ongoing worship of Christ in that realm. Some have compared the mass' liturgy to the book of Revelation in scripture, and while I have always believed that, it was never more real to me than this evening.

At the end of mass, Christ was removed from the tabernacle and taken by the priest to reside in the cry room that has been converted into a temporary little prayer chapel until after Good Friday. I longed to keep watch with Christ this evening, but my son was with me so we had to leave. I know my Lord waits there for me until tomorrow, when I may pray on Good Friday from noon until three to commemorate the hours he was on the cross. I am glad He is patient; I am not always.

Truly the Easter Triduum (Holy Thursday, Good Friday and Easter) is the holiest time of the year. He comes to us in the most powerful of ways.

The picture above reminds me of a couple of hymns, Crown Him with Many Crowns and Holy, Holy, Holy. The latter speaks of "casting down our golden crowns around the glassy sea." Both of these hymns give me chills in light of what happened this evening.

Truly He is Lord! I look forward to celebrating His resurrection on Holy Saturday at the Easter Vigil Mass.

Pearl of Great Price

2009-04-08T19:03:00.000-07:00

"Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it." (Matthew 13:45 & 46)

Dear Lord Jesus,

I am so grateful that you think of us as fine pearls; it makes me feel very loved. That you - You! - were willing to "sell everything" on our behalf is beyond amazing. I can't help but think of the lovely canticle in Philippians 2 about this sacrifice:

"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death— even death on a cross!

I cannot think of a greater gift than God - the creator himself - seeking, finding and selling all for a group of humble stones that He calls pearls.

Does any lustre or shine emanate from me? If so, let it be because of you. May all my "pearly" qualities be a mirror to reflect you - and You alone.

On This Path

2009-03-31T23:41:00.000-07:00

Wildflowers spread madly, adorning my soul. I will burst! The joy is almost more than I can bear. Surprise was there all along, waiting on the edges; now it is revealed. Gratitude spills like rain. On this path of puzzles, I will trust the hand of God. My Savior gently beckons to guide me on my way.

Shape Me

2009-03-30T00:15:00.000-07:00

If succombing makes me more like you...
...allow me to be your clay;

If trusting more reveals your light...
...allow me to be your day;

If bending to your will brings strength...
...allow me to be your reed;

If dying brings forth shoots of life...
...allow me to be your seed.

The Sweet Delicacy of God

2009-03-29T22:59:00.000-07:00

I am a feather on the breath of God

This Lent has been one of death. Its beginning, Ash Wednesday, brought the news that a good friend and mentor was found dead. Later in the day, a friend's husband took his life. A week ago, a friend of a friend's heart suddenly failed; his funeral was yesterday. Last night, a member of our parish faded away in his hospital bed, and tonight, our pastor's mother clings to life.

What does all this mean?

Death can inspire if it follows a life lived well. It can bring despair if it does not. Either way, death reminds us of our fragility and the brevity of our occupancy on this terrestrial plane.

One thing I have learned in this whirlwind of death: God takes care of us in ways we often do not realize. A friend prays, feeling a strange leading, and later finds out why. A chance meeting in a bank brings comfort. A vision inspires not only the seer, but those on the edges who hear of it. The gentle hand of God is waved to shift the air ever so slightly, causing the might-have-been to become real. Just enough is His way: if subtle ripples will get the job done, that's what He'll send. He saves the waves for later.

May we all be ready to feel the sweetness of His gentle touch, whether in life or in death.

Movin' Toward Eternity

2009-03-13T23:02:00.000-07:00

Today as I made the long but pretty drive between work and picking up my son, I thought about the inevitability of life's learning curve. It seems a shame, really, to have to wait so long to be on this side of the curve. It's hard not to look back on the things in life I would have done differently had I only known! Here I am, past the 50 mark, wondering why in the world I had to wait till now to learn what I have through this life. I can't help but wonder if I could have been of greater benefit to God and the other denizens of this planet had I come to this "comfortable in my own skin" point earlier in life.

Then I remembered. Life doesn't end when it seems to. It goes on always. It doesn't matter how and when we learn whatever lessons we do, because we're not working for glory here, but for the other side. Each step taken here, however halting or hesitant, is meant to get us there. It is all a journey to The Grand End of the Path, and each of us goes at our own pace. We'll get there if we stay the course, even when we move slowly. And part of the journey is learning from our mistakes, not to mention letting others see our learning curve so they can learn, too!

There is joy in the journey. Relax and be led by the Master.

360 Degrees of Reaping

2009-03-09T19:22:00.000-07:00

I spoke at a women's retreat a couple of weeks ago. A friend asked at the last minute (well, a few days in advance), not so much because she needed to fill a spot but because it fell into place and it just seemed right.

The following Saturday there I was, in a room full of women I had never met, all eyes upon me, all faces intent, smiling and expectant. Some shared with me afterwards about how my story resonated with them; others graciously thanked me for being vulnerable. What they don't know is that my revisiting of past lessons for their benefit wrought healing in my own soul to a degree that astounds me even now. A window lifted within me to release air left over from old musty wounds and allow clean, breezy, "freshly washed sheets drying in the sunshine air" to rush in and fill me. I now breathe deeply of this delicious inner scent and it makes me feel clean inside.

Sometime I will share with you what I shared with them. For now, I am amazed at God's amazing grace.

Gone but Not Forgotten

2009-03-08T22:52:00.000-07:00

Like a long-lost friend, I return to my blog. The joy I found in writing had, for a while, gone dormant, squelched as it was by a well-intended misunderstanding. I hope that doesn't sound too mysterious; it is not something I can talk about.

What I have discovered while I was gone is how much my walk with Christ is wrapped up in my being able to write about it. Writing helps me process important lessons on my journey. It solidifies in me the things He tells me as I walk, both large and small. The more I write, the more inspired I become and the more joy I find as I continue on the path with Him.

Another benefit of chronicling the spiritual life is seeing that prayers whispered in past posts have been answered, revelations of God's quiet but steady hand working in my life.

Here's to writing, to paths and to the nuggets of answered prayer we find along the way!

Like Waking Up

2009-01-05T22:52:00.000-08:00

Light enters in and softly glows
On the mossy green promise
Of my soul

Darkness is dispelled
Instead, beams brighten
Nighttime's former realm

Seeds germinate to birth new life
The Petri dish of not yet risen ash
Reveals a Phoenix with promise of release

Shoots wriggle and hope pushes forth
Perfect Christfruit is sweetly borne
On limbs no longer bare

Pain's mystery now gives way to
Distant cries of triumph
That burst from yonder hills

Morning comes on softest angel's wings
Truly God waits on the edges
Of each darkest day

Microcosm of Abundance

2008-12-27T23:10:00.000-08:00

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us..." (Ephesians 3:20)

My umbrella had been AWOL for a couple of days; I had looked everywhere! Winter rain - a lot of it - had finally come. It was the morning of our planned prayer vigil outside Planned Parenthood, and I was already resigned to standing in the rain, but said a little prayer for my umbrella anyway. Within a few moments - oh joy! - I saw it hiding behind something in my closet and my spirits brightened considerably.

Double joy! After finding the umbrella, I peeked out my bedroom curtains and saw sunshine. My umbrella wasn't needed after all. God gave me a little message that day: He takes delight in providing in abundance, even more than what is needed, like a double rainbow of answered prayer.

Merry Christmas 2008

2008-12-25T01:51:00.000-08:00

Presents are wrapped, stockings are stuffed, and I'm exhausted!

After what will certainly be a flurry of breakfast and presents in the morning, I'll drive myself quietly to Mass and celebrate the real reason for Christmas. I look forward to that.

A merry Christmas to all, and blessings to each one of you in 2009!

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Hope for the Holidays

2008-12-24T10:46:00.000-08:00

These are not my words; once again, they are the words of Pope Benedict, from What It Means to Be a Christian, written while he was Cardinal Ratzinger. They are so appropriate for today, the day the world celebrates Christmas Eve. (And, by the way, it's also the day our little family celebrates our oldest son's 19th birthday. :) Read on and enjoy.

Faith, Hope, Love

There is still one thing for us to think about at the end. Through talking about love, we came upon faith. We saw that, properly understood, faith is present within love and that only faith can bring love to its proper end, because our own loving would remain just as inadequate as an open hand stretched out into emptiness. If we think a little further, we also come upon the mystery of hope. For our believing and our loving are still on their way, so long as we remain in this world, and again and again they are in danger of flickering out. It is truly Advent. No one can say of himself, “I am completely saved.” In the era of this world, there is no redemption as a past action, already completed; nor does it exist as a complete and final present reality; redemption exists only in the mode of hope. The light of God does not shine in this world except in the lamps of hope that his loving-kindness has set up on our way. How often that distresses us: we would like more; we would like the whole thing, round, unassailably present. Yet basically we have to say: Could there be any more human way of redeeming us than that which declares us to be beings in the course of development, on our way, that tells us we may hope? Could there be a better light for us, as nomadic beings, than the one that sets us free to go forward without fear, because we know that the light of eternal love stands at the end of the road?

Tomorrow, Wednesday, an Advent Ember Day, we shall encounter this very mystery of hope in the liturgy of the Holy Mass. The Church sets it before us on this particular day in the shape of the Mother of the Lord, the Blessed Virgin Mary. For these weeks of Advent she stands before us as the woman who is carrying the Hope of the world just under her heart and thus, going before us on our way as a symbol of hope. She stands there as the woman in whom what is humanly impossible has become possible, through God’s saving mercy. And thus she becomes a symbol for us all. For if it is up to us, if it depends on the feeble flame of our goodwill and the paltry sum of our actions, we cannot achieve salvation. However much we are capable of, it is not enough for that. It remains impossible. Yet God, in his mercy, has made the impossible possible. We need only say, in all humility, “Behold, I am a servant of the Lord” (cf. Lk 2:37f; Mk 10:27). Amen.

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Opposite and Upside Down

2008-12-23T23:04:00.000-08:00

God's heart is so different than ours.

His birth was in a stable, without fanfare, without fireworks.

Angels made the announcement not to kings, but to shepherds in the fields.

He came to dwell and teach among an obscure and oppressed people.

His disciples were an unlikely lot; they were, for the most part, rough, uneducated men.

He spent His time with sinners and the outcast of society. He alienated the powerful.

He taught a new and unlikely thing: to love our enemies.

He died on a cross, a criminal's death on a most notorious instrument of torture.

Even so, two thousand years later, He is still changing the world.

His coming was foretold in hundreds of prophecies, yet the way He came was so unexpected.

Let us not underestimate this God of the unexpected. Pray with gusto in 2009, knowing our God is capable of anything!

Merry Christmas!

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Thy Will Be Done

2008-12-21T23:01:00.000-08:00

"Oh my Jesus, forgive us our sins; save us from the fires of hell, especially those in most need of thy mercy."

I long to pray, but I find all I can say is "Thy will be done." I feel frozen; I'm unsure how to pray anything more... or even if I should. A rock of sadness is wedged in my soul; I hold my breath, afraid to hope. The rock has been keeping me company for quite some time and despite the pain, I've grown accustomed to it.

Is my reluctance to pray for healing a lack of trust in God? Or is it a quiet knowing in my soul that I must endure this without complaint?

I know that pain is God's megaphone (CS Lewis) and that pain is used by God for our greater good (Romans 8:28). Is this particular pain necessary for me... or others? Or is it outside God's will?

I will grab the first fluttery butterfly wings of hope and dare to ask...

Lord, please resolve this situation...

...and help me to trust always in your love for me.

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The Truest Kind of Love

2008-12-20T21:59:00.000-08:00

Truly loving, as God calls us to do, can wound deeply. The love of Christ is reflected in His wounds. I must be willing to receive wounds if I love. The giving of myself to others brings vulnerability; those I love may be unkind, inconsiderate, demanding or misunderstanding of my motives. Yet I must love, if for no other reason because it is what God asks me to do. Somehow this risk, this willingness to love, opens up a broad vista in my soul that would otherwise be dark. It is a great mystery that to achieve true beauty in Christ, I must be honed and shaped and stretched and burned and, finally, healed by pain.

I love the book, "The Velveteen Rabbit," because of this lesson. Each of us may be asked, at some point in our lives, to love so much it hurts. Will I sacrifice for love? Will I walk through the fire? Will I say yes to the kind of love God gives? It may seem much easier to say no. But in the end, if we love, we experience true freedom, as the rabbit did when he came out of the fire and was finally real. And then we find that love became the easiest choice.

Though this kind of love is expressed in marriage, it is more than that. It is something broader and deeper: a love for humanity, a love for God that runs so deep that we are willing to love all that He brings our way.

If I am misunderstood; still I must love. If I am rejected; still I must love. If I am in pain; still I must love. I see that Jesus was willing to "become nothing" and to be "obedient to death, even death on a cross" (Philippians 2). This gives me comfort. How can I do less? He is my example.

Everything in me wishes to explain and defend, to fight and protect; I cannot. This path of the saints is not easy. To believe when I cannot see, to hope when I don't see the end, to trust when I don't know the outcome - this is tough!

I pray God will give me the greatest strength of all, the strength to love without being loved in return.

In honor of this great thing, love, I now offer some thoughts from those far greater than me:

Living Flame of Love

St. John of the Cross
1. O living flame of love

that tenderly wounds my soul

in its deepest center! Since

now you are not oppressive,

now consummate! if it be your will:

tear through the veil of this sweet encounter!
2. O sweet cautery,

O delightful wound!

O gentle hand! O delicate touch

that tastes of eternal life

and pays every debt!

In killing you changed death to life.
3. O lamps of fire!

in whose splendors

the deep caverns of feeling,

once obscure and blind,

now give forth, so rarely, so exquisitely,

both warmth and light to their Beloved.
4. How gently and lovingly

you wake in my heart,

where in secret you dwell alone;

and in your sweet breathing,

filled with good and glory,

how tenderly you swell my heart with love.

If you judge people, you have not time to love them. Mother Teresa

In the evening of life, we will be judged on love alone. St. John of the Cross

Let us abandon everything within the scope of our thoughts and determine to love what is beyond comprehension. We touch and hold God by Love alone. The Cloud of Unknowing

I know of one means only by which to attain to perfection: LOVE. Let us love, since our heart is made for nothing else. Sometimes I seek another word to express Love, but in this land of exile the word which begins and ends (St. Augustine) is quite incapable of rendering the vibrations of the soul; we must then adhere to this simple and only word: TO LOVE. St Therese of Lisieux

Beloved, let us love one another; for love is of God, and everyone that loves is born of God, and knows God. He that loves not, knows not God, for God is love. St. John, the Apostle (I John 4:7 & 8)

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Our Beautiful Pope Benedict

2008-12-10T21:10:00.000-08:00

I love this man. Just read his words below from the intro to his first encyclical, Deus Est Caritas (God Is Love) and you'll see why.

Today the word "love" is so tarnished, so spoiled and so abused, that one is almost afraid to pronounce it with one's lips. And yet it is a primordial word, expression of the primordial reality; we cannot simply abandon it, we must take it up again, purify it and give back to it its original splendor so that it might illuminate our life and lead it on the right path. This awareness led me to choose love as the theme of my first encyclical. I wished to express to our time and to our existence something of what Dante audaciously recapitulated in his vision. He speaks of his "sight" that "was enriched" when looking at it, changing him interiorly [The textual quotation in English is: "But through the sight, that fortified itself in me by looking, one appearance only to me was ever changing as I changed" (cf. "Paradise," XXXIII, verses 112-114)]. It is precisely this: that faith might become a vision-comprehension that transforms us. I wished to underline the centrality of faith in God, in that God who has assumed a human face and a human heart. Faith is not a theory that one can take up or lay aside. It is something very concrete: It is the criterion that decides our lifestyle. In an age in which hostility and greed have become superpowers, an age in which we witness the abuse of religion to the point of culminating in hatred, neutral rationality on its own is unable to protect us. We are in need of the living God who has loved us unto death.

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Holy Hush Deux

2008-12-09T23:13:00.000-08:00

Today I stopped by the parish office and borrowed a key to enter the church and pray. As I stepped inside, the presence of Christ was very real; His peace felt full and heavy in the room. Why, I wonder, would the Lord of Heaven wait quietly in a darkened church for us? He makes Himself present to us in the humblest of ways through the Eucharist. Not only did the eternal God pierce time and come to Earth wrapped in human clothes, He communes with us daily under the guise of bread and wine. Truly He loves us.

As I prayed, the tabernacle, where our Lord resides, was in plain view. As I gazed upon it, it became real to me that when viewed against eternity, my cause for prayer is small. Soon we will all be present at the Marriage Supper of the Lamb where perfect fellowship resides.

My Marian Miracle

2008-12-09T08:52:00.001-08:00

Yesterday, December 8, the Church celebrated a great solemnity: The Immaculate Conception of the Blessed Virgin Mary. I am not sure why I chose this particular depiction of Mary (as there are many beautiful ones), other than a feeling of gratitude for the pain she suffered because of her willing "fiat" (her "yes" to God's plan). Though she was divinely chosen by God to bear His Son, she was a human, a mother, and a woman who did not escape suffering.

As a convert to the Church, Mary's place in Catholicism has been somewhat difficult for me. It was my final (and longest-lasting) stumbling block to entering the Church. As a former Protestant, I had a great fear of what we had been taught was Marian idolatry. I didn't want any devotion to the Blessed Mother to fall into that category.

Despite my resistance, I have been drawn to her through the years in sweet ways. The more I release myself to her goodness, the more she gently leads this stubborn child on a path toward holiness and reveals ways to please her Son.

Yesterday, on the day of her solemnity, her intercession wrought a miracle in my heart. While I sat at Mass, a sin was brought to light in my heart and a great burden winged its way to Heaven. It is amazing what happens in the spiritual realm when truth is exposed. The ripples from this have already revealed wonderful beauty.

Thank you, dear Blessed Virgin Mary. Thank you for your patience with my doubts; thank you for drawing me close to you.

Under the Carmelite Moon

2008-12-05T22:39:00.000-08:00

We Carmelite aspirants have been asked to write about what the journey to Mt. Carmel means to us. For me, this answer is in the undercurrent of a stream flowing just under my surface. The stream ripples and moves, with changing, swirling eddies that are visible but hard to grasp. Just when I think I can explain what draws me to the waters, the explanation or feeling or thought darts out of sight, as though it wishes to remain hidden, felt but not seen. Yet it moves me, this invisible current just under my surface. It moves me in ways I do not wish to resist.

When I journey to Mt. Carmel it feels as though I am stepping into silvery moonbeams that bathe the earth in soft, sweet light. The moonbeams are the witness of the saints that have trod this path before me; they freely pour their wisdom onto the path, beckoning all who choose to walk to move forward with them. These moonbeam saints reflect the light of the Son whom they love and follow. In their circle of brightness lies true peace.

Now that I'm here, I feel I was always meant to walk this path, though I would not have known to plan it. My adventure began when I responded to Christ's call to the Eucharist; it continues on the moonlit road to Carmel. "Deeper and further," says the Lord, and I follow. I look forward to the places He will draw me on this journey.

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Timing of Life

2008-11-23T12:03:00.000-08:00

I haven't been posting for a while; it's been a full month and a half. It's hard to believe how quickly time flies! In the time I've been gone, I've gotten up to speed in a new job, taken on a third one, helped my son in various senior year activities (including an ambitious Eagle Scout project, of which we're in the middle), and joined the aspirant program at a Carmelite monastery. (That's aspiring to be a secular Carmelite, not a professed religious. I'm too happy being married for that lifestyle. ;) For what it's worth, I'm happy to be back in Blogland.

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Miracle of Grace

2008-09-13T21:51:00.000-07:00

A road through vineyards led me
To where I found God's grace
It met me in abundance there
Before I left that space

A humble priest behind a veil
Softly spoke God's will
Kneeling in the shadows there
I listened, my heart still

The abundance of the Sacrament
Fills this heart of mine
I came broken, in despair
But left in joy sublime

Peace rested in my soul that day
It fills me even now
A miracle was wrought in me
God's endless healing power

Thank you, Father Xavier
For being there that day
And thank you, Holy Spirit
For the kindness of your ways

Choose Life

2008-09-05T17:27:00.000-07:00

My heart longs to save life on this planet. Tiny, sweet, innocent life, fresh and new, full of hope, just beginning. Each time a sperm and egg unite, a new being, with its own DNA and fingerprints, is created, unique from its father and mother. The fingerprint of God is stamped anew on humanity.

"Abortion is the biggest lie perpetrated on women in our culture today," said the woman sitting across from me many years ago. (My children were babies then.) I had never thought of it that way, and her strong statement startled me. That brief second in the history of my life began a journey which has culminated in, other than motherhood, the most important work I will ever do: saving the unborn and helping women avoid the lie. I have just begun to fight, and I pray the Lord will graciously continue His work through me in whatever small way I can contribute.

Tomorrow I will visit a counseling center for women in crisis pregnancies. I will report back on the miracles being wrought there. :)

"Being confident of this: that He who began a good work in you will carry it forward to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6 (one of my "life verses")

Do It Anyway

2008-09-02T22:23:00.000-07:00

This is the prayer Mother Teresa kept on her wall. It is the one she read at the beginning of each day. It no doubt inspired her to keep going, in spite of many obstacles. It does the same for me (immensely!), and here it is for you:

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Be successful anyway.

If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, others may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it will be between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

I have written about my affinity for Mother Teresa here. Her works of charity and great love inspire and move me. But the words she so cherished in this prayer teach me something new: I may be exactly where God wants me to be, and things may still go wrong. I may live out my call to Christ in the best way I know how, and what I do may be destroyed. This doesn't mean I'm wrong; it merely means I must press on all the more. Thank you, Blessed Mother Teresa - you continue to teach even now!

Unexpected Gift

2008-09-01T21:59:00.001-07:00

Thank you, God, for the gift I received just now. Billy, my youngest son, on the cusp of his first day as a senior in high school, said I was the finest person he'd ever met (because I'm "so nice and trustworthy and everything"). He also reminded me that whatever good thing he becomes, it's in part because of me. I didn't expect this (how could one?), and I am filled with surprised gratitude. I certainly don't deserve it, but here it is. (He also said his dad is the hardest working person he knows. :)

Parenting is interesting. You stumble along, aware of all your imperfections in the process, knowing full well that you could have (and should have) done a much better job. Yet, somehow, despite all that, love comes back to us. God allows us the privilege to participate in shaping His creation. How generous He is!

Thank you, God, just thank you. And please bless both my sons, Bobby and Billy, and parents and children everywhere. May we reflect your love in the love we share with one another.

Baby Rowan

2008-08-25T23:30:00.000-07:00

I just read about Rowan, a story that both touched and horrified me. Rowan was born alive in an abortion clinic after a botched second trimester abortion. He lived for 11 minutes. His mother, Angele, tried to save him, but was ignored by the clinic staff. The pictures of Rowan were difficult for me to see. His body was perfectly formed. Other than his tiny size, he looked like any other baby sleeping, with fully formed hands, feet and facial features. The thought that this little one, so clearly a human being, was destined for the dumpster was like a nightmare, but it is a real story, played out many times every day. What kind of culture is ours?

I was going to post a picture of Rowan, but I hesitated, because seeing him is not for the faint of heart. This is not because he is gruesome, but because he is not. He is beautiful, not worthy of such death. Please click on the link above for the story.

We must stop the killing of our most innocent life. Rowan did not do anything to deserve death. His mother, Angele, regrets the decision she made and will now live the rest of her life with the knowledge of his untimely death. Lest you think I condemn her, I don't. I was there once, too. Poor Angele. Poor Rowan. What is happening to us, that we kill those who do not harm us? Blood is on our hands.

Too many have died. Too many are wounded. Abortion kills, yes, but it also maims the souls of those left behind, of those at whose hands innocents have been destroyed. We must stop it. As Mother Teresa says, "It is a poverty to decide that a child must die so that you live as you wish."

Please, help stamp out this poverty. Let's not let another Rowan be left to die. And let's protect the other Angeles from being wounded. What can you do to help?

May Baby Rowan be carried to our Lord's bosom by our Mother, Mary. And may Angele know the peace only our Lord can give.

For help after an abortion, see here for Rachel's Vineyard.

Only That

2008-08-20T10:20:00.000-07:00

I only want to say one thing: I'm grateful. Grateful to God. Just that... only that. The more I walk through life, the more I look back on the things that have occurred from my birth till now, the more I see God's direct hand of involvement in the events of my life. God is now so palpably real to me that His presence feels like "heavy air." (Odd description, I know, but strangely apt at the moment.*)

Yesterday as I transitioned from one job to another, I took a moment to enjoy a cup of coffee on an outdoor patio. I was lost in thought when my eye glanced at a small but vibrant berry-laden tree. I noticed that someone had fashioned the dirt around it so the tree was literally growing from the center of a heart. What a beautiful image! A heart rooted in Christ, like that patch of soil, would sprout life from its center, and such fruit-bearing life would nourish others, pointing them to Christ. Dare I hope for this?

Focus on the soil reminded me of the Parable of the Sower. While it is recorded in all the synoptic gospels (Matthew, Mark and Luke), something caught me as I reread Luke's version. Luke 8:15 says, "But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop." "...by persevering..." ! The crop (my image of the berry-laden tree) is produced by... persevering. Hearing and retaining the word are necessary, but I must also persevere to produce the desired crop.

In the Parable of the Vine and Branches, Jesus says, "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." I must persevere at remaining in Christ. I must seek Him through everything life brings, both the good and the bad. Only then will a tree of life with berry-laden branches spring from the soil of my heart. I dare to look forward to that with great anticipation.

God is good.

*After I wrote this, I remembered that CS Lewis described the presence of God in a somewhat similar way in one of his science fiction books, "Out of the Silent Planet."

The Scent of the Violet

2008-08-18T11:51:00.000-07:00

Mark Twain said: "Forgiveness is the scent of the violet on the heal that crushes it." Isn't that beautiful? I have been blessed with this fragrance; it wafts toward me, though undeserved. I am drowning in a sea of gratitude... and the most beautiful aroma surrounds me.

Truly God is good, and, in His goodness, anything we suffer with Him becomes good as well.

A Day at the Monastery

2008-08-17T23:29:00.000-07:00

I am in a state of peaceful exhaustion after spending the better part of the afternoon at the Carmelite House of Prayer to witness a friend's temporary promise to the Secular Order of Discalced Carmelites.

I have written about my attraction to this form of spirituality here. My heart, full of exuberance, longs to grow closer to our Lord, yet my path is often void of sustained direction. Taking deliberate steps to develop a deeper prayer life is something I desperately need. For this reason, I am contemplating joining their aspirant program, which begins in November. The intellect-stretching nature of Carmelite spirituality appeals to me. I will devote a lot of prayer to this; it's not something said lightly.

I feel a bit like the children in the final book of CS Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia, The Last Battle, when Aslan encourages them to go "further up and further in." Throughout my life, Christ has drawn me to Him in deepening stages. I cannot remember a time I did not desire Him, even before I heard His name. He called me to join Him "further up and further in" when my agnostic father read stories from the Old Testament to my brother and me (a reluctant offering to my maternal grandmother, who wanted us to receive religious education); through answers to childish prayers I offered, often in desperation, while growing up; through friends who invited me to the youth group at the local Baptist church, where I first heard His true name; through commitment to Him in baptism at age 17 after being drawn by a song. Five years ago, He drew me again, this time to the Catholic Church, through an unquenchable desire to receive Him in the Eucharist after a journey of reading. And now, as if that were not enough, He draws me to go even "further up and further in" through contemplating the secular Carmelite order. Certainly this pearl of great price I have found has no end.

In unrelated news, God gave me a beautiful gift yesterday, like an unexpected butterfly of hope that landed on my open palm. Its wings open and close as I watch. I dare not breathe lest it fly away. It has lighted gently and the recognition of answered prayer spreads warmly through my chest.

God is good.

Bobby and Ivan

2008-08-16T22:37:00.000-07:00

Here's my son, Bobby, who's officially off to college now. He, my other son & I drove down to drop him off yesterday. He took the lead in his "new" 74 Camaro with his brother riding shotgun; I drove behind them, wondering how in the world they graduated so quickly from their two-seater tricycle to the car in front of me.

This mother has a terrible ache in her heart; Bobby has left a screaming absence behind. His brother misses him; even the dog is confused. Billy mentioned this evening that he feels he's in a different family, as though he's visiting relatives, rather than being in his own home. The familial scales have been tipped off balance a bit. I just returned from their room where I prayed with Billy; seeing Bobby's empty bed left my heart feeling the same.

But I feel selfish in my grief. I attended a funeral today for Ivan Wilson, a Marine killed in the line of duty in Afghanistan. His grieving mother knows she will never see her son again (at least, not this side of Heaven). Denise, his mother, has told me more than once how much she misses him. She will never be able to pick up the phone to call her dear Ivan, she'll never receive another letter from him, she'll never greet him at the airport with a hug. Ivan died bravely in the line of duty, leaving his mother with unquenchable sadness. When I think of her grief, I dare not dwell on mine. Lord, forgive me for my smallness.

Today I prayed the Sorrowful Mysteries of the Rosary twice. Our sorrows unite with Jesus'. The scriptures tell us:

"He tends his flock like a shepherd:

He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young."
(Isaiah 40:11)

We are in His arms, close to His beating heart, in both our sorrow and our joy. Our Savior walks with us.

Rest in peace, Ivan Wilson, and may God comfort your family.

Our Day

2008-08-10T22:30:00.000-07:00

We went to outdoor Mass on the mountain. As we turned into the drive that leads to this little chapel, I remembered that five years ago, on the evening of our 15th anniversary, we had our marriage blessed by the Church in this very place. It is so refreshing to attend Mass in the woods. It is peaceful in every way: sight, sound and Sacrament.
I love watching the sunlight play among the leaves in the canopy of trees when I'm there. The shade makes it cool even in the summer.
We stopped at a little creekside deli for smoothies. A creek in summertime in California is a rare treat!
Hmmmm... which is the orange and which is the peach? We couldn't tell, even after tasting!

Russ loved the food at Molly Brennan's Irish pub.

Isn't this town lovely?

Later, we stopped for coffee. The artistic chairs at our little table were beautiful, hand-carved by someone local. They seemed to belong in a church.

Here's the entrance to the beautiful Mediterranean inspired winery on the lake.

And here's the courtyard. The lake is in the background.

Lovely flowers spilled out of containers everywhere!

This is the entrance if arriving by boat.

It's a treat to walk to the end of this pier to catch the breezes from the lake.

A small sliver of a big, beautiful lake.

We walked through the garden. I fell behind, poking around taking pictures!

I love doorways. They intrigue me! I just had to take this photo.

I consented to having my photo taken.

Good-bye, winery. Until next time!

Today

2008-08-10T09:23:00.000-07:00

My husband and I are taking the day to celebrate our wedding anniversary (which is number 20 on the 13th). In happy anticipation, here are some things to which I look forward today:

1. Mass outdoors on the mountain (a first for us this summer)
2. The fresh, pine smell of the "chapel"
3. The play of shade and sunlight in the trees above us
4. The crunch of gravel beneath my feet as I go to receive
5. Kneeling in two favorite places at once: church and the outdoors
6. The possibility of seeing old friends there
7. The comfortable togetherness that 20 years brings
8. Astoundingly beautiful surroundings as we drive around the lake
10. Trying the Irish pub
11. An ambling, unscheduled pace and freedom to be spontaneous
12. Stopping for walks
13. The over-the-top Mediterranean style winery on the lake
14. Bees buzzing about lavender and the sparkle of sunshine on blue water
16. Trying a new wine
17. Knowing our boys are OK (and even enjoy being) on their own
18. Home at the end of an adventure

I hope to have some photos for a post-celebration report.

The photo above was taken 8 years ago*. I didn't realize it was taken on our anniversary, but when I looked closely I saw the pin I wear every year on that day, so it must've been taken on our 12th. What serendipity! :)

* My photo files are sparse... sorry!

First Friday

2008-08-04T09:18:00.000-07:00

I look forward to First Fridays, when we have an hour of Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament at our little parish. It brings peace to sit before our Lord. The smell of incense lingers in the hush of the church, sunlight filters through stained glass and prayer candles gently flicker. If I arrive there with questions in my soul, I find His presence brings quick answers. He is generous in this way, allowing His wisdom to enter me. Here is what I wrote in my journal Friday while sitting with Him:

It is far better to be one with the Creator - to seek His face - rather than the creation. We so often seek the creation in this world, often without recognizing we have placed what we desire in God's place. It is Him alone we must seek. All else must flow from this: marriage, children, friendships, family, housing, jobs, ministry, interests, material goods, secret desires, even paths of spirituality.

He is our sun. We cannot exist without Him. I can see why the ancient Irish monks chose this symbol for Him. Without Him, there is no life. He is the center of our universe. All is dependent upon Him. His goodness is like the warm rays of light - visible and palpable - that break through clouds and dark forests, revealing what is real but often not seen. His mercy is like the warmth on one's face when turned upward toward the sun, and His grace is like the effect of the light that makes plants grow, thereby nourishing our world through a vast chain reaction.

Like sunlight on plants, His grace enters our lives, poured on us in endless quantities, nourishing our souls. When we pass this on to others, we cause unknown chain reactions of God's mercy, goodness, grace and salvation in the lives of those we affect, perhaps in quantities as great as atomic energy. (In other words, the movement of grace.)

Similarly, one bad choice can set off a chain reaction in negative ways. We run from the Lord - I imagine racing away on a bicycle - and when we tumble, we must limp back to Him. Because our God is one of second chances, He doesn't want us to wallow in our mistakes; He wants to help us get it right. Our bicycles may be battered and twisted from our fall, but He makes them ridable again. He heals our bumps and bruises.

If I am journeying on my bicycle, I want Jesus as my pilot. I invite Him to sit on my handlebars, telling me which way to go. I pray I may see the encouragement of His strong back before my eyes. Decisions about direction are to be His, not mine. I need only watch, listen, seek and follow.

I have returned again to the place in my heart when I first asked Jesus to be the driver, to take His rightful place in the front seat at the wheel of my life.

Jewels in the Dark

2008-08-01T17:06:00.001-07:00

One recent night I went outside before bed and sat under the stars. There was no moon, and it was the first time in many weeks that our California sky was not heavy with smoke. The blackness above was sparkling with jewels. Perhaps it's because it's been a while since I gazed at them, but the stars seemed larger and brighter and "jewelier" than I remembered. There were plenty of them, strewn thickly through the heavens like spilled salt. A shooting star sped by as a special treat. I saw bright orbs that could only be planets, though I'm not sure which ones.

Some folks complain about the lack of streetlights in our small community, but I am thankful there are none. Our skies are so clear that the Milky Way is visible; a rare sight, from what I understand. I thank God for the mountains that keep the coastal fog at bay and for the "cleanest air in California sixteen years running." Those things make the clear, bright beauty of a starry night accessible.

Below is Psalm 19, my favorite when I was in high school. I enjoyed the beauty of a night sky then, too. (And the last strophe has become a favorite prayer of late.)

1 The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands.

2 Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they display knowledge.

3 There is no speech or language
where their voice is not heard.

4 Their voice goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world.
In the heavens he has pitched a tent for the sun,

5 which is like a bridegroom coming forth from his pavilion,
like a champion rejoicing to run his course.

6 It rises at one end of the heavens
and makes its circuit to the other;
nothing is hidden from its heat.

7 The law of the LORD is perfect,
reviving the soul.
The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy,
making wise the simple.

8 The precepts of the LORD are right,
giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are radiant,
giving light to the eyes.

9 The fear of the LORD is pure,
enduring forever.
The ordinances of the LORD are sure
and altogether righteous.

10 They are more precious than gold,
than much pure gold;
they are sweeter than honey,
than honey from the comb.

11 By them is your servant warned;
in keeping them there is great reward.

12 Who can discern his errors?
Forgive my hidden faults.

13 Keep your servant also from willful sins;
may they not rule over me.
Then will I be blameless,
innocent of great transgression.

14 May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

Gratitude in Times of Trial

2008-07-28T00:20:00.000-07:00

Gratitude is the light that glows from under the door in a dark room. It is the flower that blooms in the cracks of a rock, the sun filtering through clouds, the rainbow after the storm. It's knowing there is a tapestry on the other side of the knots, and that beautifully colored windows come from bits of broken glass.

It is saying thank you to God even before we've learned the lesson that will inevitably come from the hard knocks.

It nurtures hope in the midst of adversity.

Highly Recommended

2008-07-26T22:21:00.000-07:00

When I'm at Mass or before the Blessed Sacrament, I find it is impossible for emotions that are not in harmony with the love of Christ to maintain residence in my heart. They seem to melt away. It is a humbling experience, and I find it quite amazing. My friend, Dean, has written from his heart words that came to him during a recent time of Eucharistic Adoration. I believe they reflect beautifully Christ's heart and I highly recommend a visit to his post. (Simply click on his name.)

He used one of my favorite pictures of Christ on his post and I have also used it here. I love the way it depicts our utter dependence upon Christ's mercy.

Many blessings to you all!

Redeeming the World One Person at a Time

2008-07-25T23:07:00.000-07:00

I am thinking of how much Christ loves us and feeling very grateful. My husband and I will celebrate twenty years of marriage next month. Reflecting on that, it seems odd that this ragamuffin, who was raised in poverty with chaos as the only constant, can have contributed to something that has not changed for two decades. Before the age of 18, I experienced two divorces, twelve moves, homelessness, abandonment and familial alcoholism; considering that, a 20th anniversary feels like a surprising bonus. God truly writes straight with crooked lines!

Jesus experienced chaos and adversity on earth. He was tempted in the desert, people sought to kill Him, He was run out of town, crowds drained His energy, He was misunderstood, falsely accused, plotted against, chastised for His miracles, and all this was BEFORE the cross! He knows what it's like. He's been there and lived it, and He walks with us through our various trials.

A friend on this journey of faith was in dire financial straits and received an unexpected windfall that will take her through the next two months till her income picks up again. We can never predict what God will do; our second guesses may not be the way He will choose to solve our problems. Things like this serve to remind me that God cares very, very much; He doesn't leave us flailing about without provision and direction, though there are times it feels that way and we must trust through the adversity.

It seems this God of ours is continually in the very serious business of redemption. Though the earth is fallen (and can be a very difficult place to reside), though we are hurt (and hurt one another), He longs to redeem. If we'll accept His help, He'll bring us along at the pace that's possible for us. A speaker at a seminar I attended long ago said that although Jesus is the perfect teacher, we're imperfect beings and we don't always learn quickly.

God is the source of redemption... and redeem He will. Twenty years later, it is nice to look back and see His mercy and provision.

St. John of the Cross

2008-07-23T23:35:00.000-07:00

This painting by Salvador Dali is called Christ of St. John of the Cross, so named because it was inspired by a drawing of Christ by him. The original painting has the cross suspended over earthly scenery (a lake with boat) and the imagery is a powerful reflection of Christ's presence on Earth.

I have a small but growing fascination with St. John of the Cross. His mystical writings (those I've read, which are not many) stir up in me a longing for a deeper presence of Christ in my soul, not unlike the ache of unrequited love.

I am tentatively stepping into prayerful consideration of pursuing formation in a lay Carmelite order based in a local monastery. (St. John of the Cross, along with St. Teresa of Avila, was a reformer of the Carmelite order.) If my journey leads me there, I imagine formation would begin in September of 2009, after my youngest son graduates high school. I cannot imagine pursuing something such as this until after his senior year, which I expect will be a whirlwind!

For now I leave you with some words of his, far better than continuing with those of my own.

"What more do you want, o soul! And what else do you search for outside, when within yourself you possess your riches, delights, satisfaction and kingdom -- your beloved whom you desire and seek? Desire him there, adore him there. Do not go in pursuit of him outside yourself. You will only become distracted and you won't find him, or enjoy him more than by seeking him within you." -- St. John of the Cross

Living Flame of Love
St. John of the Cross

1. O living flame of love
that tenderly wounds my soul
in its deepest center! Since
now you are not oppressive,
now consummate! if it be your will:
tear through the veil of this sweet encounter!
2. O sweet cautery,
O delightful wound!
O gentle hand! O delicate touch
that tastes of eternal life
and pays every debt!
In killing you changed death to life.
3. O lamps of fire!
in whose splendors
the deep caverns of feeling,
once obscure and blind,
now give forth, so rarely, so exquisitely,
both warmth and light to their Beloved.
4. How gently and lovingly
you wake in my heart,
where in secret you dwell alone;
and in your sweet breathing,
filled with good and glory,
how tenderly you swell my heart with love.

God Is in the Details: Jellyfish

2008-07-21T23:06:00.001-07:00

The graceful, ballerina-like ocean dances of jellyfish speak of a deeper magic invested in living creatures all around us.

There is more than what we see.

Such seemingly simple, mindless creatures have been graced with unique beauty, and there are endless surprises in their variety. They glide through the seas, tendrils trailing, inner lights glowing, bodies pulsating with rhythm.

God has poured Himself into details hidden beneath deep water.

The Holy Spirit gives us eyes to see infinity reflected in the world around us, which shouts, then whispers, then shouts again of God's glory.

See below for jellies, jellies, jellies!

PS Thanks, Lavinia, for your question that inspired this! :)

Jellies, Jellies, Jellies!

2008-07-21T22:56:00.001-07:00

Sunday Musings

2008-07-20T19:27:00.000-07:00

Hello, hello: Well, it's Sunday and I'm back... finally. I do not say that from your perspective, but from mine. This blog has become like a new appendage, and I felt I was leaving an arm behind as I trundled on the path ahead, feeling quite incomplete. I look forward to receiving once again the doses of encouragement, inspiration, humor, creativity and beauty in the form of lovely postings by authors of other blogs. My "morning rounds" were like making myself at home in a friend's kitchen, with the smell of baking bread in their oven and a cup of coffee in front of me, sharing thoughts of the heart. I believe I will break this self-imposed fast...

New blog: I started "BookNotes" to share the wonder of the words that move me. There are normally five or six books in progress on my nightstand, and many of late have deeply touched me. I will post there sporadically, whenever the muse strikes. (I haven't had a chance to do so yet, but if you want to check it out sometime, it's linked to my profile.)

Gratitude: Mibsy of Classical Calling created a "happiness book" of 50 things that make her happy, and since then I've wanted to create one of my own. There is so much for which to be thankful, so I now list, in no particular order and very randomly, a few of the things that brighten my path with joy:

1. Motherhood
2. Long hugs
3. The lingering smell of incense in church
4. Eucharistic Adoration
5. The Body and Blood of Christ
6. Sharing books from my childhood with my children
7. The night sky
8. Trips to the library
9. Praying aloud while holding hands
10. Mass
11. Dolphins
12. Fireworks
13. Being married
14. The surprise of bats flying at dusk
15. Going anywhere with my sons
16. Fireflies
17. The beach
18. Coffee with a friend
19. Houses overflowing with books or art or Catholic spirituality
20. A book I can't put down
21. Learning a surprising thing about someone else
22. CS Lewis
23. The Monterey Bay Aquarium
24. Fresh air
25. Family time
26. A fresh tomato sandwich
27. The hymn "Hosea"
28. Singing
29. Otters at play
30. That prayerful part in "See Me, Feel Me" by The Who
31. Literary & spiritual analogies
32. Gardens, from English Cottage to Japanese
33. Overlooks or rooms with views
34. Looking up in a redwood forest
35. Shooting stars
36. Amazing scientific facts that reveal God's design
37. Jellyfish
38. The Luminous Mysteries on Thursdays
39. When the dishes are done
40. The way my body feels when I exercise
41. Fresh raspberries
42. When my children make me proud
43. Kindness
44. Clouds
45. Light and colors at dawn and end of day
46. A neatly stacked pile of wood for the winter
47. Being up early
48. Writing without rushing
49. Bumblebees
50. This incredible, amazing journey with God

A Bit of a Fast

2008-07-16T07:17:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure it's necessary to make this announcement really, but I feel I am being called to take a bit of a blog fast; not a complete one, but a fast nonetheless. For the next few weeks I'll be posting less than usual so I may get some important things done in other areas of my life. I will try to post regularly on Sundays.

I'm leaving you with this sweet white bud as a symbol of new beginnings and great possibility, all in Christ, our hope that never ceases.

With love, Esther

A Good Soaking

2008-07-14T15:03:00.000-07:00

While reading a book of CS Lewis' letters, I enjoyed discovering a phrase of his, "a good soaking," which he used to describe one's lying down in a woods or meadow for a bit while on a walk. It resonated with me at the time; I thought it so aptly described such luxurious resting!

I feel I've been getting "a good soaking" from God lately. His gentle lessons enter my soul like rays of sunshine filtering through forest leaves, bringing warmth and comfort. He is my Abba Father and I'm sitting on His lap.

Waters of gratitude lap at the banks of my being, with kind threats to overflow and fill all of me.

Courage

2008-07-13T15:32:00.000-07:00

What is courage? I'm asking this because I decided it might be what's best for my case of today's blues.*

I'd love to hear your thoughts on courage, so I invite you to leave a comment to let me know what you think.

Courage is taking the next step when I have a heart that won't stop being achy.

Courage is knowing tomorrow will be better.

Courage is calling a friend to say "I need to talk."

Courage is realizing I don't have all the answers.

Courage is walking through the pain instead of masking it. It toughens one's soul like hot coals toughen one's soles.

Courage is admitting to God I can't handle it on my own. It's being willing to say I'm weak.

Courage is remembering God doesn't change; He still cares and He's there when I don't "feel" Him.

Courage is always loving the other person (any other person) more than myself.

Courage is being willing to accept the heavy cross. (Wisdom is letting God help me carry it. :)

Courage is pulling on the last little bit of what's in me to remain positive.

Courage is faith, courage is prayer, courage is Christ in the Mass.

Courage is knowing there is hope because of the overwhelming beauty of creation all around me.

Courage is knowing that I am not God; courage is trust in He who is.

Courage is doing the next right thing and...

Courage is being willing to wait.

*It is always hard for me to admit to being down; I suppose that takes courage, too. David wrote Psalms of both praise and sorrow, and it's interesting that both are part of scripture.

Burn Bright

2008-07-09T10:18:00.000-07:00

"Delight thyself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4)

May the Lord ever and always
Be my delight
May my flame of desire
Burn constant and bright

May I nurture this flame
Above everything else
In the secret place of my heart
Where love for Him dwells

May my desires of heart
Unite and be one
With delighting in Him,
Father, Spirit and Son

Burn bright,
Sweet flame in my heart
Till bonfires grow
From Thy Heavenly spark

Stillness

2008-07-08T10:18:00.001-07:00

I don't sit still much anymore. My relationship with God expresses itself with action these days, rather than stillness. When in high school, I spent many hours on the ocean bluffs across from our home, just drinking in God, and I always left with His strength within. There was a time I took frequent long walks with God and filled myself with the quiet awe that comes from contemplating a sunset or the stars.

It's harder to sit still now; there are so many demands on my time. Even so, I feel a deep call from God to do just that: to just BE. To put aside the prayer books, the reading, the laundry lists of prayer requests that make up my devotional time, and just BE with Him. Drink in His presence. Come to Him with nothingness. Let my contemplative heart come out.

Saint Francis of Assisi said: "When we pray to God we must be seeking nothing - nothing."

It's time to practice being... nothing.

"You have seduced me, Lord, and I have been seduced." (The prophet Jeremiah)

New Crayons

2008-07-06T17:48:00.000-07:00

Oh, how I love a new box of crayons! This is something that has not changed since I was a child, when receiving a new box of them brought a rush of excitement (especially if it was a BIG box!). I loved the anticipation of lifting the lid for the first time and gazing upon the multicolored gathering, all points pristinely sharpened. I loved their colored paper wrapping, the waxy smell of them, the interesting names of the shades. My love of the color periwinkle began with Crayola and continues to this day.

I was talking with a friend today about some difficult things she is going through when an analogy began to take shape in my mind. What if our lives were like a piece of paper upon which a story is being drawn? With the dynamic tension between our free will and the guidance of Providence in mind, we draw the story with the crayons God provides. Each new experience, each skill, each difficult valley is a new crayon that God places in our hands. What we draw with it determines how the picture of our lives turns out. Do we turn the crayon over in our hands thoughtfully before we draw? Do we paint the page black with angry scribbles? Do we close our eyes and pray, asking God to guide our hands, and then peek with surprise at what He's created? Certainly each of our pages reflect a bit of each method.

We cannot know which crayon God will give us, or when. While some seem to have boxes of bright, pretty colors, others draw amazing things with dark colors only. The process is two-fold: crayons from God (His loving gifts to us) and our creative and prayerful use of them. Thinking like this helps make sense of some of the valleys I've traveled and those I'm sure to walk through in the future.

Mmmmm... maybe a wonderful heretofore unimagined version of periwinkle is ahead... or perhaps a lovely shade of forest green...

Either way, I'd better go prep the canvas with lots of prayer.

Waves of Inspiration

2008-07-06T16:32:00.000-07:00

The inspiration for "Heart Haiku" below came from a discussion I had with our young philosopher, Billy (who also happens to be a comedian, writer, Boy Scout, aspiring history teacher and someone who can produce a great burp). We talked about various scientific theories related to our universe, including its creation, shape and movement. Does it expand and contract over time like a bladder, or just expand? Is it saddle shaped, flat or spherical? Will it eventually collapse or can it expand forever? How many dimensions exist within it? Do dimensions beyond the three we experience explain the existence of spiritual beings that live just beyond our awareness? God must exist in many dimensions. Is it "extra" dimensions in Heaven that manifest in new-to-us colors or multiple strains of music playing all at once (as explained by those returning from near death experiences)?

When Billy told me that scientists theorize that all the matter of the universe could be held within one's palm prior to the Big Bang and that 98% of matter in existence now was present then, I couldn't help but think of those expanding sponge children's toys that when placed in water become an animal or a car. The entirety of the shape it will become is encased in a tiny capsule, known only to its designer before gently unfolding under water.

My heart became so full at the thought of God placing EVERYTHING - all the hopes, dreams, colors, planets, lights, life of the universe - into something so small, knowing all the while that it would become just what He envisioned. And this God, who is far bigger than His amazing creation, actually comes to take up residence within us.

The universe within our hearts. Amazing.

Heart Haiku

2008-07-05T17:10:00.000-07:00

Spontaneously
Mirroring your universe
Bursting heart expands

You are far too big
To be held in human flesh
Yet you make it home

Creator of stars
Such overwhelming presence
Bright within my soul

You gently distill
Universe to soul-shaped size
Thank you! It fills me

Confidence at Dawn

2008-06-30T10:41:00.000-07:00

Miracles are a retelling in small letters of the very same story which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see. C. S. Lewis

I awoke this morning with a new-to-me confidence that expresses itself as an awareness of God as an immovable rock in my life. The reality of Christ as our Good Shepherd and all that implies has settled into my being, moving from my head to my heart like sand landing solidly in the bottom of an hourglass.

I feel hemmed in by God's solidness. His care and protection are as real to me as the canyon walls that border the valley path in the photo above. Actually more real, for I know that all canyon walls crumble over time, while God is forever: "Glory be to the Father, to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be, world without end. Amen."

Søren Kierkegaard said, "Prayer does not change God, but it changes him who prays." Perhaps that's what has happened to me. I know that whatever happens, however prayers are answered, God is with me and because of that, I will survive in strength.

Comfort from Above

2008-06-29T23:45:00.000-07:00

Psalm 90
The Protection of the Most High

He will shade you with his wings; you will not fear the terror of the night.
He who lives under the protection of the Most High dwells under the shade of the Almighty.

He will say to the Lord: “You are my shelter and my strength, my God, in whom I trust”.

For he will free you from the hunter’s snare, from the voice of the slanderer.
He will shade you with his wings, you will hide underneath his wings.

His faithfulness will be your armour and your shield.

You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day;

nor the plague that walks in the shadows, nor the death that lays waste at noon.

A thousand will fall at your side, at your right hand ten thousand will fall, but you it will never come near.

You will look with your eyes and see the reward of sinners.

For the Lord is your shelter and refuge; you have made the Most High your dwelling-place.

Evil will not reach you, harm cannot approach your tent;

for he has set his angels to guard you and keep you safe in all your ways.

They will carry you in their arms in case you hurt your foot on a stone.

You walk on the viper and cobra, you will tread on the lion and the serpent.

Because he clung to me, I shall free him: I shall lift him up because he knows my name.

He will call upon me and for my part, I will hear him: I am with him in his time of trouble.

I shall rescue him and lead him to glory.

I shall fill him with length of days and show him my salvation.

Trust in Him

2008-06-28T23:41:00.000-07:00

"Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time: Casting all your care upon Him; for He cares for you." (I Peter 5:6-7)

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." (Philippians 4:6)

Dear God,

I give you my prayer request. You know the situation, you know the story, and only you can solve it. This rock is giant and I cannot lift it by myself; the problem is far too great for me alone. I pray for your showers of mercy. Thank you.

I write this today to honor the God who made the blind to see, the lame to walk and healed the lepers. "Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven." Thank you for Your hope that shines in the darkness.

With praises, love and thanksgiving,

Esther

"Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,' says the LORD Almighty." (Zechariah 4:6)

Word, Radiance and Wisdom

2008-06-27T22:51:00.000-07:00

I read this about Jesus today: "He is the Word, Radiance and Wisdom of the Father." It was from a letter of St. Cyril of Alexandria and he was quoting St. Athanasius.

It struck me as such a beautiful way to describe Him and I just wanted to share it.

And to think I received all this in the Eucharist today.

"The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it." (John 1:5)

In One God (Creed 2)

2008-06-26T15:00:00.000-07:00

"Hear, O Israel! The LORD is our God, the LORD is one!" (Deuteronomy 6:4)

The first line of the Nicene Creed, "We believe in one God..." acknowledges that our God is "the LORD" of the Hebrew scriptures and denies the many gods of the pagan Greek and Roman cultures of the day.

The Creed teaches us that our God is one; however, it also teaches us that He is three. A bold declaration of the Trinity is woven throughout the verses of the Creed by its acknowledgment of Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit as God.

How can three exist and yet be completely one? It is a mystery, but perhaps we can see its possibility in the following small ways. Ice, steam and liquid are all water. I am a daughter, a mother and a sister. An egg consists of yolk, white and shell. These may help a little, but for me, awareness of the Trinity quickens when I see God as a relationship within Himself; in other words, when I recognize Him as love.

St. John tells us "God is love" (I John 4:8). What is love? Love by its very definition must exist in relationship. If God is love, then God is relational. He extends His love to those of us He created in His image, and His entire creation is an expression of His love. We who seek Him walk on His path of love and are learners in His school of love.

But who did He love before we existed? Who did He love before the angels were there to receive His affection? He loved within Himself. His very nature exists in relationship: Father, Son and Holy Spirit, a trinity of love. His Trinitarian nature shouts of love; because He is three in one, we know that any encounter with Him is an encounter with love itself.

He is one, He is three, He is love.

"I arise today through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity, through the belief in the threeness, through the confession of the oneness of the Creator of Creation." (From St. Patrick's Breastplate Prayer)

Next time: "...the Father, the Almighty..."

Just Because I Love It So Much

2008-06-20T23:28:00.000-07:00

I find this prayer to be particularly encouraging and powerful. It is often called "St. Patrick's Breastplate" because it, in part, seeks God's protection; it is also known as "The Deer's Cry" or "The Lorica." I pray you'll be blessed by it as I am.

I arise today through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity, through the belief in the threeness, through the confession of the oneness of the Creator of Creation.

I arise today through the strength of Christ's birth with his baptism, through the strength of his crucifixion with his burial, through the strength of his resurrection with his ascension, through the strength of his descent for the Judgment Day.

I arise today through the strength of the love of Cherubim, in obedience of angels, in the service of archangels, in hope of resurrection to meet with reward, in prayers of patriarchs, in predictions of prophets, in preaching of apostles, in faith of confessors, in innocence of holy virgins, in deeds of righteous men.

I arise today through the strength of heaven: light of sun, radiance of moon, splendor of fire, speed of lightning, swiftness of wind, depth of sea, stability of earth, firmness of rock.

I arise today through God's strength to pilot me: God's might to uphold me, God's wisdom to guide me, God's eye to look before me, God's ear to hear me, God's word to speak for me, God's hand to guard me, God's way to lie before me, God's shield to protect me, God's host to save me from snares of demons, from temptations of vices, from everyone who shall wish me ill, afar and anear, alone and in multitude.

I summon today all these powers between me and those evils, against every cruel merciless power that may oppose my body and soul, against incantations of false prophets, against black laws of pagandom, against false laws of heretics, against craft of idolatry, against spells of witches and smiths and wizards, against every knowledge that corrupts man's body and soul.

Christ to shield me today against poison, against burning, against drowning, against wounding, so that there may come to me abundance of reward. Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me, Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me, Christ on my right, Christ on my left, Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down, Christ when I arise, Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me, Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me, Christ in every eye that sees me, Christ in every ear that hears me.

I arise today through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity, through belief in the threeness, through confession of the oneness, of the Creator of Creation.

Click here for info on St. Patrick: http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/11554a.htm

Go, Bobby, Go!

2008-06-19T18:02:00.001-07:00

Well, here's Bobby looking relaxed after his high school graduation ceremony last Friday night. We had a festive time and were blessed to have many friends and family share the evening with us. We're so proud of our firstborn son!

He's off to a local JC later this summer to earn Microsoft and Cisco computer certifications for a career in computer networking. He's focused, hardworking, success-oriented and knows exactly what he wants! (Which is far more than I can say about myself when I stood on the cusp of college.)

For the sake of humility I probably shouldn't mention the awards and kudos that came during his senior year. (Though - forgive me! - there were many... :) We're really, really proud of you, Bobby!

(To top it off, he earned his driver's license today, passing with flying colors, despite some jitters. :)

Parenting for me is such a rich tapestry of experience, with each day a new, very pleasant and often exciting adventure. God has given this grateful mom far more than she deserves.

Now on to Billy's senior year.

Circle of Friends

2008-06-19T09:19:00.001-07:00

I've written about my St. James 2:24 posse; today I want to acknowledge another circle of friends, women with whom I can share my heart in an intimate way, the kind of friends you can "spill your guts" to without any question of their love or loyalty. We are there for one another; we've shared crises and joys, laughter and tears, prayers and spiritual journeys. My life would be far less rich without the blessing of these fine women.

Laura, Laurie and Celeste, whom I know from high school (Laura) and college (Laurie and Celeste). These women have known me for more than three decades. None live close to me, but I thank God for our wonderful phone calls. Laura and Laurie have both been roommates of mine at various times.

Eileen and the two Louises live close enough to see after a bit of a drive, and I'm thankful for the occasional visits that supplement emails and phone calls. These women have known me at least since my teenagers were toddlers. I'm so glad we've stayed in touch after our move.

We've lived in our current area about seven years, and the "now" friends that contribute to my life so much are Barbara, Anne, Marilyn and Linda.

Thank you, God, for Your love that has been showered upon me by these women. Thank you for what I learn about You through them. Thank you for their devotion to You and the gifts the Holy Spirit has bestowed upon them. I pray that I may be granted the privilege of bringing You to them, even in small measure, as they've brought You to me in great measure. Please bless them mightily with the gift of being completely in the joy of Your will... always.

I have other wonderful women friends who are unnamed, some with whom I've lost contact but hold dear in my heart, some with whom I have a casual friendship, and some with whom a deeper friendship may develop. There are also those with whom I share a very close friendship, but the "everydayness" of it is no longer present. I thank God no less for all of them; the gift of their friendship enriches my life, as well.

"...there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." (Proverbs 18:24b)

The Face of the Lord

2008-06-18T21:34:00.001-07:00

“And you, child, will be called the prophet of the Most High: for you will go before the face of the Lord to prepare his path.” (From the Canticle of Zechariah, Luke 1)

I have read this canticle many times but have not noticed Christ being called ‘the face of the Lord’ before. Isn’t that a beautiful thought? ‘When you have seen me, you have seen the Father,’ yes, but thinking of the ‘face,’ the shining, loving, beautiful FACE of God walking the earth somehow seems so personal. Thinking of His eyes and mouth that gazed and smiled and reflected love… and thinking of God putting His ‘face’ here for us to experience in a real, physical, undeniable way is more than overwhelming.

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full at His wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace." (Words and music, Helen H. Lemmel, 1922)

Sunday Came on Tuesday

2008-06-17T12:07:00.000-07:00

There is another song by Tree63 that I love: "Sunday!" I won't record all the lyrics here, but part of the refrain goes, "It's Friday, but Sunday is coming," a metaphor based on Christ's death and resurrection to give us hope through tough times.

I've been caught in Friday's cave for the last month or so, caused by shame related to some mistakes I made, along with a few other trials thrown in for good measure. I haven't been myself at all. My confidence in who I am as a human being was completely gone, as was any semblance of a genuine smile or real laughter; even the way I normally relate to the world or other human beings was different. I was in a deep, deep hole, and I didn't know if it was a permanent change in who I am. (I begin a new job on July 1, and I was a bit concerned about being able to contribute to it fully in this state.)

But Sunday is here, and the picture above reflects this. The drenching rain reminds me of showers of forgiveness, gentle refreshment for the soul which is oh so sweet. And doesn't this guy's posture absolutely shout out ecstasy? Unexpected mercy and my resulting gratitude make me feel just like he looks!

I'm not surprised that Friday's cut on my finger has healed; why does this Sunday resurrection astound me? Who knows? I am just glad to be swimming toward the light.

"Sunday - Hallelujah! - it's not so far, it's not so far away..." (Tree63)

Blooms of Mercy

2008-06-16T15:56:00.000-07:00

The beginnings of answered prayer that came yesterday felt like an unexpected bouquet of flowers. I had no idea this gift would be dropped on my doorstep now, so soon, but here it is. I am grateful for small, sweet steps that restore hope. Thank you for that gift, God, and please bless those who share this journey. I am a very grateful daughter.

Blessed Be Your Name

2008-06-16T10:06:00.001-07:00

God, as the scriptures say, "you give and take away," sometimes in ways we don't understand. People struggle with illness, their children die, they experience hurt and abuse. Not all comes from you, but all is known by you. You see this world in a way we don't; to you our lives are an eternal tapestry, with each thread woven together to create a beautiful whole. We are eternal beings, therefore your emphasis is not our comfort here on earth, but our place in eternity. Each difficulty, each trial, each tear has its place: to purge, shape, challenge, to help us grow, to make us better people and, most of all, to help us know you. And isn't that the purpose of life? As Jesus said, "love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbor as thyself." May we, your children, trust you always through each stage of our lives, knowing that all you allow must be seen with the backdrop of the cross, the most loving act in all of history. As you said to Job: "Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?"

"Blessed Be Your Name" is a song by Tree63 that I have loved from the moment I heard it. Whatever comes our way, God is good always, in all ways. May His name always be blessed.

Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name

Words for a New Day

2008-06-13T08:51:00.000-07:00

A new day dawns, full of fresh mercy from God. Here is a small portion of today's readings that caught my heart.

From St. Anthony of Padua, whose feast we celebrate today:

The man who is filled with the Holy Spirit speaks in different languages. These different languages are different ways of witnessing to Christ, such as humility, poverty, patience and obedience; we speak in those languages when we reveal in ourselves these virtues to others. Actions speak louder than words; let your words teach and your actions speak.

I've always wanted to speak another language but have faltered in my attempts at French and Spanish. Perhaps this is a language that I may learn to speak well? Thank you, St. Anthony, for helping me to see it this way.

From a psalm of King David, who excels at expressing his own heart, as well as the heart of God:

Open my lips, Lord, and my mouth will proclaim your praise;
for you do not delight in sacrifices: if I offered you a burnt offering, it would not please you.
The true sacrifice is a broken spirit: a contrite and humble heart, O God, you will not refuse.

Contrition destroys walls that keep me from true union with God, and humility keeps them from being rebuilt. Brokenness is a beautiful place to be, for it is in that place we know we truly need God.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 5:3)

My Prayer Spot

2008-06-12T09:14:00.001-07:00

I have a prayer spot, though I didn't purposely choose it. (Perhaps it chose me?)

After I drop my boys off at the high school, I pull into a quiet street and pray. I say prayers for them and their day at school, and I offer up prayers for my husband, for friends for whom I pray daily and for matters (of heart, life, family or otherwise) that are most pressing. It is a place where I am able to crawl deep into God's heart unusually quickly, and where unique (and sometimes dramatic) things have happened in the spiritual realm.

I wrote in one post of how the centers of my palms tingled while praying deeply for a friend; it happened there. The Holy Spirit's gentle voice (of which I wrote yesterday) came to me there. I developed a closer relationship with Mary, the Mother of God, in that spot.

This unassuming part of a quiet small town street draws me. I think I initially began taking that route because the home of a recently deceased friend stands there and I wanted to pray for the repose of her soul as I passed by. I then began pulling over to pray on a regular basis before continuing with my day.

This morning I pulled over in my usual spot under a tree and wondered why this place would be unique. I looked up, took in the sight in front of me and realized why. Our Lord resides in the Eucharist just yards away, across the street within tiny St. Joseph's Catholic Church. He is not bound by walls; His presence in the tabernacle reaches out beyond the wood, glass and brick of the building that surrounds Him. He, in fact, surrounds it.

All this time I thought the spot was random and convenient; in reality He called me to it. His call is gentle, like a breeze; He doesn't shout. But call He does, and in its quietness and sweetness He often goes unrecognized until we look back.

I am taken with the way He woos with such humility, this lover of our souls.

Love Blooms in the Desert

2008-06-10T19:41:00.001-07:00

"Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan and was led by the Spirit in the desert, where for forty days he was tempted by the devil." (Luke 4:1&2)

Jesus went into the desert at a time when He was full of the Holy Spirit; in fact, it was the Spirit who led Him there. God didn't send Him there unprepared; it was immediately following His baptism. The Spirit had descended upon Him like a dove as He rose from the waters and God had proclaimed Him His Son.

Preparation for His ministry had begun.

There was a divine purpose for His going to the desert; God does not allow our suffering to be meaningless. (One version says he was driven by the Holy Spirit.) It was necessary. Why? Perhaps to test His will? Or to confirm the power of God that resided within? To refine Him? To empower Him by defeating the devil? To pave the way for us? Perhaps all of these things. There was something He had to face before His ministry could flourish.

In the same way, we are sent into the desert. I have resisted that process, but have come to realize that following Christ's example is a privilege; God honors me with that kind of suffering. The heat and testing of the desert refine me and purge me of impurities so my faith can flourish (which is worth more than gold, as St. Peter says). It is purgation on earth. The more I am purged, the more I am united with Him, the more I know Him, the more I love, and the more I serve Him effectively.

Many trials have come since I entered the Church five years ago; I have often wondered why, even (almost) to the point of questioning whether it was the correct decision. (In reality, I could never leave the Eucharist, whatever trials come.) But I finally got it yesterday. God's gentle voice, the Holy Spirit, came to me in the form of internal words spoken directly to my heart. He is trusting me with the trials I go through. He is using them to accomplish His purposes (for myself and others), and I am His chosen vehicle. WOW.

Immediately after hearing the Holy Spirit's gentle, reassuring voice about this, I went to a day of reflection devoted to Him (the Holy Spirit, the third Person of the Trinity), part of which was examining Jesus' journey into the desert, and through that He spoke again. The desert is preparation for my ministry. (By "ministry" I mean allowing God to use me in a deeper way in my daily life.) The desert is my boot camp. WOW again.

His love flourishes in the desert, and I am convinced His love is present and flourishing to those who go through a trial because of me. The sparrow that fell in front of me Monday (see that day's post) reminds me that I am in His care; I should never doubt that God's concern for those I have harmed is greater than mine.

God communicates in love and somehow I am always amazed. I should know better by now.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39)

Worth More than Sparrows

2008-06-09T21:55:00.001-07:00

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father... So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." (Matthew 10:29 & 31)

This morning on my way to Mass, a bird that looked quite like a sparrow fell from a tree right in front of me. That's pretty amazing when you think of it; in order for me to have seen that, the timing had to be exactly perfect, not a second earlier or later. It immediately brought to mind that God knew when that sparrow would fall. Did He have in mind for me to see it?

The little bird that dropped to the ground right in front of my truck reminded me of God's constant care. His eye is on me, therefore all will be well. He is present in every moment of my day; He knows every prayer in my heart. With this knowledge, the words "alone" and "anxious" should be ever banned from my vocabulary!

Meeting Old Friends for the First Time

2008-06-09T13:22:00.001-07:00

Last weekend a group of old friends converged on Sacramento and we met each other for the first time there. The folks pictured here are part of the St. James 2:24 posse, a group of faithful Catholics with whom I've been corresponding for at least five years now, almost since I entered the Church. I'm thankful for our "Patty Patrick" Bonds, who started the group for those who experience relational loss or difficulties because of association with the Church. But I hadn't met a single one of them face to face. Not till now. Let me introduce you:

Next to me is Macile, our sweet, prayerful Cajun mama, who's always ready for a hug and a smile. Then comes Sissy, an inspiring woman, a true survivor with a great sense of humor, who's building a new home with her own two hands after Hurricane Rita destroyed hers. They're both from Louisiana. The smiling redhead is Lee Anne from up north in Washington state, who is a great "group mama" and is always present with encouragement! She does much for the sake of the unborn (go, sister!). I just love her energy. Kneeling at left is our Dean, who's discerning a call to the priesthood. His soft-spoken wisdom shows us he'll make a fine one! Please keep his journey in your prayers. Last but not least is Leslie, our apologist, who juggles her busy life amazingly well; she gives so much to so many. If you haven't had the benefit of hearing one of her side-splitting stories, well, you just haven't lived. Dean and Leslie are from California like me.

Thank you, God, for these incredible people in my life. They have provided much of You to me in my journey. What a gift! I'm sorry the rest of our family couldn't be there as well, but in the Lord we are part of one another always, wherever we are.

(As an added bonus, Celeste, a friend since college, joined our pajama party on Saturday night. It was great to see her, too. :)

PS Below is a photo of us at St. Mel's.

Sunday Morning

2008-06-09T13:10:00.000-07:00

Here we are at St. Mel's, Dean's home church. We got to hear him his first time as a lector, and his spiritual director said Mass. Father George, who is helping him on his road to discerning the priesthood, gave the group a special blessing afterward. I sensed deeply God's presence at Mass, a very moving experience.

That the crucifix hung behind the altar on a wall painted with a gentle sky scene wasn't bad either.

It was well worth getting up at 5:45 am after 3 hours sleep!

Lord, Empty Me

2008-06-06T17:49:00.001-07:00

Lord, empty me so I may be filled with You.

A friend relayed to me what St. John of the Cross said, "To reach satisfaction in all things, find satisfaction in nothing."

The idea of detachment, for me, is kind of intimidating, unless I look at it as drawing closer to Christ. Giving up the world seems easier when it means He's at the end of it.

My attachments can get me into trouble (things such as seeking validation, a need for friends, a longing for success). Perhaps I should hold such things lightly in my hand, like a butterfly. One's hand needs to remain open to hold a butterfly; it won't be clutched. An open hand means God can fill it up, and I wouldn't expect a butterfly to take up permanent residence there.

I initially thought seeking detachment sounded cold, as though it might make me less likely to love, but in thinking about it (and in my fledgling attempts to practice it), I see that it helps me to love more and better. It takes away the need to receive back; I can give without the attachments that make my giving less pure.

True freedom is looking forward to the day God will bring without any expectations. Except to rest in His arms and walk in His ways...

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (From the Beatitudes of Christ, Matthew 6:33-34)

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." (St. Paul in Philippians 4:6-7)

The Imitation of Christ

2008-06-04T15:45:00.000-07:00

"So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you." (Colossians 3:12-13)

These can be hard words to put into practice at times, but may they be so. May we always put others before ourselves. May the light of Christ within and among us shine particularly strong when things are most difficult. May we have the grace to never give up on reconciliation when there are misunderstandings.

Christ's arms are always outstretched, ready to receive with grace those who come. May I be, as well. He has forgiven me so much; He has been so gracious in my mistakes. May I die to self enough each day to allow room for His heart to beat within me. Always.

The Sacred Heart of Jesus

2008-06-03T21:30:00.000-07:00

"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." (Romans 12:18)

Heaven rejoiced on Friday, the Solemnity of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. And so did I.

Two hearts were joined in reconciliation. Two souls were united in understanding. Two hands were offered in forgiveness. Two voices were joined in prayer. Healing of a relationship occurred before the Blessed Sacrament in a quiet church that day. God's love trumped Satan's shenanigans and mighty things happened in the spiritual realm.

I can't think of a better way to celebrate the day dedicated to the heart of Christ than to join in its chief purpose, can you?

"All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation." (2 Corinthians 5:18)

We Believe (Creed 1)

2008-06-01T20:10:00.000-07:00

The very first line of the Nicene Creed is "We believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty, maker of Heaven and Earth, of all that is seen and unseen." Below is my first installment of a series of posts about the Creed: "We believe..."

Today I attended Mass at a parish out of town. I was a stranger there; I didn't know anyone in the large crowd. Even so, I was part of the "we" in "We believe..."

Who is the "we?" All who have faith in the truth of the Creed. All who claim the name "Catholic" and live what that means. In a broader sense, all who hold to ancient Christian beliefs as carried forward through the centuries.

At Mass this morning, the universality of the Church was apparent. (The priest was from Kenya, the woman next to me from India.) If I participate in Mass anywhere in the world, even in a language I do not understand, I am no less part of the "we" of the Creed than I am in my home parish. We all say it together, we all believe, we all hold to the sacred tenets of our faith as set forth in unwavering declaration.

The "we" also includes Christians who have gone before us and will follow, those already in Heaven and those who will be there one day. The Communion of Saints is timeless, a brotherhood of those who believe: past, present and future.

The people of my own parish are a more personal component of the "we" for me. We claim our "we-ness" as we pass the peace at Mass (I can't help but smile after that!) and as we receive our Lord in communion together. We are a "we" that shines Christ's light when we serve our community together in His name. We are a "we" that lives out our admonition to love one another when we work through difficulties and misunderstandings. We are truly brothers and sisters, bound together in Christ.

Years before my interest in the Catholic Church was a conscious thought, I saw a stone cross pendant from the 6th century in an antique store. I couldn't stop staring at it. The symbol under the glass in front of me was worn centuries before by someone connected to me through our shared faith! My awe in that moment was caused by the power of the "we."

What about the "believe" part of it? Today's Gospel reading (from Mark 7) addresses this very thing:

Jesus said to his disciples:
“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’
will enter the kingdom of heaven,
but only the one who does the will of my Father in heaven.
Many will say to me on that day,
‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name?
Did we not drive out demons in your name?
Did we not do mighty deeds in your name?’
Then I will declare to them solemnly,
‘I never knew you. Depart from me, you evildoers.’

That's what it means to believe. Let our lives declare the Creed.

Next time: "...in one God..."

(For more info about the Creed, see the post so titled from May.)

My Other Rock

2008-05-30T23:13:00.001-07:00

This guy's my rock with skin on. (Jesus is my heavenly rock.) Russ and I will celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary this year. Wow! It seems only yesterday we were getting married on August 13, 1988 in front of our family and friends in Petaluma.

We have two incredible sons, and their security in themselves is due in large part due to his commitment to them as their dad. (He is kind enough to say it's because I'm a great mom. That's just the kind of guy he is!)

When Bobby played high school football, Russ arranged his work schedule to be home early every Friday night so he could see his games. He goes to every school awards night and every Boy Scout Court of Honor, even when Billy's not ranking up.

He opens the car door for me. He encourages me in my whims, like my short-lived attempt to play the saxophone, and then again a few years later when I picked up the guitar. And he never makes me feel stupid about it.

With Russ, chivalry is not dead, and I love feeling as though he'd throw his cloak down to cover a puddle for me, or pull out his sword and defend my honor.

He is my safe harbor, my voice of reason, and the one I count on to do the right thing. He is pragmatism to my idealism. He is cynicism to my naivete, and I need that balance!

He's one of the hardest working people I know, and always captures the admiration of those on the job with him. He's the one who'll visit a co-worker in the hospital or help one of them move. And he's done it plenty of times. Although he's a pretty smart guy, he'd have been happy being a farmer. I love that about him. He never feels as though he's better than anyone else.

We have a fun little phrase we say when we want the other one to speak the absolute truth: "sodium pentathol" (truth serum). Here's some sodium pentathol: You're our family's calm and steady anchor. The boys are blessed to have you as their father. You're always there for us, and what you do every day for our family is deeply appreciated!

Love from your wife, Edda :)

For His Sake

2008-05-29T12:40:00.001-07:00

We who believe are people of the dawn. In Christ there is hope of the morning light; the sun will always rise to shed light on the darkness. Take heart! Resurrection awaits beyond the pain of the cross.

The last year and a half has brought much refining of my faith; there have been struggles I would not have expected. This has been especially true over the last few weeks when trials have come related to the things that are most precious to me, my relationships and my reputation. Relationships bring me deep joy, especially those that point me to Christ. I try to structure my life in such a way so that people come first, so it's particularly tough when there are rifts, misunderstandings and hurt; even more so when I've hurt others. I try to represent Christ well (though I often fail), and that makes my reputation important to me.

I have been crushed by events that have come my way recently and have walked in a lot of condemnation over the past few weeks, even to the point of wondering whether I should continue on in ministry. But then I realized that's the point. Satan would seek to crush and condemn me in order to thwart the work I might do for the Lord. I believe it is no coincidence that all this began when I stepped out in faith to take on the Respect Life ministry of our parish. The good news is that God prevails. What Satan intends for evil, God uses for good (Genesis 50:20). God's plans will not be thwarted if we remain steadfast.

Satan messes with people where it hurts the most. Were any of these situations my fault? Yes. My judgment was bad, even if well intentioned. But Satan takes misunderstandings and blows them out of proportion. He seeks to make us ineffective when we step out in faith to serve the Lord. The important thing for me to remember is that it is not people who are our enemies, it is something else:

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." (Ephesians 6:12)

God turns these situations around if we persevere, even if it means pressing forward at great expense. This is how we embrace the cross and walk with our Lord.

I recently posted a picture (on "Compelling Life Thought") that spoke to me deeply, though I didn't quite understand why at the time. Now I know. It encapsulates exactly what I'm talking about here. If we cling to Christ on the cross as we carry ours, it comforts us. More than that, it brings comfort to Him! We share in His sufferings when we bring ours to him.

While I was praying for a friend who I hold in my daily prayers, the center of each palm began to tingle. This immediately made me think of Christ on the cross; I felt God was telling me that the power of Christ's sacrifice is intimately involved in our struggles.

God reigns; He controls events on earth. Even if battles are lost, ultimately the war will be won. And while we are fighting, God never stops doing sweet and wonderful things. Resurrection comes after struggle! A friend was completely healed of cancer by the laying on of hands and prayer, but that wasn't the biggest miracle. God did a tremendous work of healing in his heart. Other friends are rejoicing in a pregnancy after much disappointment and after being told it was unlikely it would happen. God can do anything, and He will, sometimes at the most unexpected of times and in the most unexpected of ways.

Times of trial, whether from Satan or from plain old life, are always for our benefit. God refines our faith through trials; adversity chases us into God's arms. Satan seeks to shame, condemn and scorn; God seeks to give us a royal robe, put His ring on our finger, and throw a feast in our honor (Luke 15)! I especially love Luke 15:20: "But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him." That's how much God loves us, even in our mistakes, even in our imperfect humanness!

The enemy almost stopped me this time, and that's a scary thought. But, through God's grace, he didn't. I must die to self on the battlefield, over and over again, as I become a member of God's army.

It's All About Him

2008-05-25T21:21:00.000-07:00

God's hope for me (and for all of us) is to discover more of and burrow ever deeper into His love through whatever we experience in life. Sometimes it's the tough things of life that teach us this. Trials are all about my growing closer to Him; adversity is designed to chase me into His arms. It refines my faith.

I love this picture of the woman washing Jesus' feet with her hair and tears. This Biblical story is special to me, especially now.

I gave a recent, painful mistake to God, and in exchange he gave me hope for healing. God's will is always reconciliation with those we've hurt. I gave God my shame, and He gave me honor, just as He did to a woman who was "unacceptable" in the eyes of others when she scandalously washed His feet.

"My Lord, what love is this, that pays so dearly? That I, the guilty one, may go free? Amazing love, oh what sacrifice, the Son of God given for me. My debt He pays, my death He dies, that I might live." (From the song Amazing Love by Graham Kendrick)

That Sneaky Devil!

2008-05-24T11:37:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe we're in a spiritual war, but we are. Each of us who is human, especially those of us who love Christ, has a sneaky, beguiling enemy. Because he hates our Creator, he attempts to destroy God's most beloved creation, namely, us.

The Scriptures tell us this about our adversary: "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings."

I have made some mistakes recently. God offers grace and forgiveness, but Satan wants me to walk in shame and condemnation, head held low. He wants me to be fearful to approach Christ's "throne of grace" to seek healing and forgiveness. He wants me to be kept from healthy relationships with my brothers and sisters in Christ, making it impossible to move forward in the work of our Lord. Satan seeks to keep me in such shame that I cease seeking Christ in the Eucharist, even cease going to Mass. May that never be so! I am never too far from God's grace to ask for His help. Reconciliation is always God's desire, not only with Him, but with my fellow Christians and the world at large. In contrast, the sneaky devil seeks to divide!

A friend pointed me to the Prayer to St. Michael the Archangel to counteract the devil's work just when I needed it most. Here's how it goes:

St. Michael the Archangel defend us in battle. Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil. May God rebuke him we humbly pray. And do thou, oh Prince of the Heavenly Host by the power of God, cast into hell Satan and all the evil spirits who roam throughout the world seeking the ruin of souls.

The rest of the verse about our adversary quoted above goes like this: "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen." (The reference for both parts of this scripture is I Peter 1:5-10.)

Boy, am I glad it ends this way, with such encouragement! The purposes of God will NEVER be thwarted so long as I remain steadfast in trust, love and prayer.

This is what I will hang onto through my current trials, along with the verses below that tell me that God's purposes can be fulfilled through hardship:

Genesis 50:20
Jeremiah 29:11
James 1:2-4
Romans 5:1-5
Romans 8:28
Philippians 1:6
Hebrews 12:1-3 and 7-11

Here are God's words from Genesis 50:20 in relation to Satan: "You planned to harm me. But God planned it for good. He planned to do what is now being done. He wanted to save many lives."

Our Lord trumped death and suffering on the cross; though they remain, Love (God is Love) is a much bigger force!

Feeling Clean

2008-05-22T22:21:00.001-07:00

“Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” -Mark Twain

I love the imagery of this quote. To think that we can become something beautiful even as we are being crushed brings such hope. The martyrs offered the "scent of the violet" to those at whose hand they died. May it be so with me.

My recent life has been full of themes, in which seemingly unrelated situations teach me similar things from different angles. The relentless onslaught of lessons lately has been stunning, like a spiritual accelerated learning program.

The theme now and over the last weeks is forgiveness, both in seeking and giving it. Hurt from others has come unexpectedly and more frequently than I would have expected in a short amount of time. Am I willing to offer the scent of the violet to those who hurt? I try. Releasing my right to feel hurt is like being led into healing sunshine from the dark forest; like clean, cool water flowing over and through me to purify me from grime.

Worse than this (and completely unrelated), I have caused harm to a friend and his family. Regret and concern have lived in the pit of my stomach since I found out. Though my intentions were good, my actions brought discomfort and pain. I pray that they recover swiftly from the unintentional crushing of my heel; I dare not hope for the scent of the violet, only to know that they are OK.

I have learned this: I'd rather release the scent of the violet than be the heel that crushes.

My Hungry Soul

2008-05-17T10:35:00.001-07:00

This morning a simple line in a song struck me:

"I am the beggar, You are the table"

Indeed I am a beggar. I come to Him at every Mass with nothing but open hands, and, miraculously, His Body is placed within my palms. He is indeed the table and He fills me. Always and unconditionally.

I am ever grateful that we have a God who desires to unite with us in this way. I come to Him empty and I leave with fullness in my soul.

What a beautiful table He sets!

Creed

2008-05-16T22:28:00.000-07:00

Every Sunday morning I join my heart with Catholics around the world and recite a magnificent statement of faith, the Nicene Creed. The creed in its current form dates from 381 AD, but it expresses what Christians have believed from the dawn of our faith.

I love what songwriter Rich Mullins says about it in "Creed," his appropriately titled song:

And I believe what I believe

is what makes me what I am

I did not make it, no it is making me.

It is the very truth of God

and not the invention of any man

I feel a longing to write about it, line by line, in a series of posts over time. I'm not sure how long it will take; I can see at least three potential posts in the first line alone! I'll learn more about the ancient beginnings of our faith, as well as have an opportunity to express my deepest heartfelt feelings about the statement I recite each week.

The Nicene Creed

We believe in God, the Father, the Almighty,

maker of heaven and earth, and all that is seen and unseen.

We believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ, the only Son of God,

eternally begotten of the Father, God from God, Light from Light,

true God from true God, begotten, not made,

one in Being with the Father.

Through him all things were made. For us men and for our salvation

he came down from heaven: by the power of the Holy Spirit

he was born of the Virgin Mary, and became man.

For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate;

he suffered, died, and was buried. On the third day he rose again

in fulfilment of the Scriptures; he ascended into heaven

and is seated at the right hand of the Father.

He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead,

and His kingdom will have no end.

We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life,

who proceeds from the Father and the Son.

With the Father and the Son he is worshipped and glorified.

He has spoken through the Prophets.

We believe in one holy catholic and apostolic Church.

We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins.

We look for the resurrection of the dead,

and the life of the world to come.
Amen

A Particularly Fine Jewel

2008-05-14T18:45:00.000-07:00

Today something precious was lost to me. I understand the reasons why; even so, there is a great weight in my heart.

And yet there is an abiding peace inside. I know that "all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28) Within me there appears to be room for both sadness and the comfort of the Holy Spirit.

This evening as I was preparing my family's dinner, a soft breeze wafted in from the open kitchen window and gently touched my skin, and after dinner, the clouds wore late sunset colors of pale pinks. The biggest oak tree is still outside, a guardian in our yard, as though protecting his smaller brothers. Crickets chirp, their methodical rhythm occasionally mixing with the faint ring of wind chimes. All these things bring assurance. They keep me connected with our Creator and help me know that the world is still running under His command. Our God's great love permeates all circumstances and this is no exception. I willingly submit myself to the refiner's fire and the loving hands of the potter.

This particularly fine jewel has my deep respect, now more than ever.

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him." (I Corinthians 2:9)